[humorix] US Downsizes Court System

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

US Downsizes Court System
July 20, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to streamline the
judiciary and save money, the US Congress today passed
a bill that would reorganize the legal system and
radically alter the way civil court cases are decided.

Instead of wasting time on such trivial matters as "the
rule of law", "the preponderance of the evidence", or
"the pursuit of truth", the new and improved Legal
System 2.0 will instead measure one factor: net worth.
The party with the most money will automatically win
every case.

"We'll be able to save millions each year by
eliminating obsolete judges and legal clerks,"
explained Senator Richard Tater (D-Hollywood's Back
Pocket).  "And yet most people won't be able to tell
the difference."

The system will not be able to completely eliminate
judges and juries, however. "Not everybody will agree
on the total net worth of each party," Tater said.  "So
judges and juries will need to settle issues such as
whether a tax shelter in Bermuda counts as an asset or
not.  But even with this overhead, the new downsized
system will be much more streamlined, efficient, and
business-like.  And isn't that what America is all
about?"

Some legal experts were skeptical about the new
scheme.  "This will only encourage businesses to merge
together so they can win more lawsuits," explained a
professor at the prestigious Northern Idaho School for
Creative Legal Theories.  "This will then give an
excuse for the government to become even fatter so that
it can keep up with the net worth of corporations.  And
then individual consumers will get so fed up of losing
100% of lawsuits that they will band together to form
Lawsuit Defense Unions."

A spokesperson for the EFF said, "If you were the
mother of the senior prom date of the guy who later was
the roommate of the hacker who developed the
programming language that was used by an evil pirate to
create an illegal program that made it possible to play
DVDs under Linux, then you might as well bend over now
and prepare for the inevitable lawsuit that you won't
be able to win."

On the bright side, for the first time in recorded
history, The SCO Group issued a press release
suggesting it might lose its lawsuits.  "If this Legal
System 2.0 goes into effect, then we will suddenly lose
our lawsuit against IBM, the evil 800-pound gorilla of
the computer industry.  This just isn't fair..."


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