[humorix] Microsoft Blames DOJ For Internet Explorer Security Holes

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Blames DOJ For Internet Explorer Security Holes
July 14, 2004

REDMOND, WA -- It's all Janet Reno's fault.  That's the
executive summary of a press conference held today at the
Microsoft campus in response to the growing criticism that
Microsoft couldn't design a secure application if Bill Gates'
life depended on it.

"The Feds attempted to destroy our freedom to innovate, and
now look what's happened," explained Microserf spokesperson
Megan Shill.  "The court case left us little choice but to
bundle Internet Explorer into Windows, a move that was
litigation-wise but security-poor.  Thanks a lot, Janet Reno
and David Boies."

The Microserf continued, "To all of the greedy lawyers that
jumped on the bandwagon to file class action lawsuits against
us: You should be directing your attention to the Federal
government.  They have caused more harm through their
anti-Capitalism, anti-Adam Smith, anti-prosperity,
anti-freedom witch hunt than anybody else."

"So the next time an IE vulnerability allows an ActiveX applet
to wipe your hard drive and turn your PC into a repository for
child porn, just remember this: Microsoft is not responsible.
We wanted to do the right thing. We have very talented
programmers.  But we had to throw all those good intentions
and talent out of the Windows -- pardon the pun -- in order to
satisfy the DOJ's warped interpretation of the Sherman
Anti-Trust Act."

In conclusion, the spokesdroid said, "Laissez-faire Capitalism
is the only way to produce safe software.  If we allow
unchecked regulation of the software industry, the terrorists
will win and blow up our children."

After the speech, the floor was opened to some pre-screened
questions from pre-screened members of the press.

"The Mozilla browser has experienced far less problems than
IE... How can you explain that?" asked a reporter for KFUD-FM,
a Clearly Awful Channel radio station.

The answer had already been scripted.  "Oh, that's easy.
Mozilla is broken -- it doesn't handle ActiveX, it doesn't
support the latest DHTML-powered websites, and it is only
compatible with exactly one online banking site in the entire
world.   So Mozilla's alleged security is a moot point.  It's
like talking about the security of a computer stored in a
vault at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean without a power suppy
-- sure, it's secure, but you can't do anything with it.  So
what good is that?"

Another reporter, this time representing KRAP-AM, a Clearly
Awful property, asked, "What do you suggest Internet Explorer
users do to protect themselves while online?"

"I recommend only visiting websites that sport the
Microsoft-approved logo," replied the spokesshill.  "Our staff
has personally inspected a large variety of websites that
ensure that they do not take advantage of any known IE
security holes.  This might eliminate a portion of the
Internet, but there's still plenty of sites that bear the Bill
Gates Personal Seal of Approval(R)(patent pending), such as
MSN and Slate.com."

Finally, the spokesweasel had time to field one more question
from a reporter for KDUD-AM, the only channel in the region
not owned (for now) by Clearly Awful.  "What plans does
Microsoft have to improve the security of Explorer?"

"Well, we actually have no plans to produce a new version of
Internet Explorer -- we already have 99.9% market share for a
product that we give away for free, so why should we spend a
bunch of money on future development?  Our freedom to innovate
is a sacred right and means that we do not have to waste time
on unprofitable projects, regardless of what critics say."

"Instead," the spokespuppet continued, "We think the best
approach is to launch a fundamental redesign of the core
Internet protocols to prevent unauthorized usage.  We have
already deployed a test our next-generation protocol, IPv666,
which totally eliminates viruses, spam, exploits, and malware
from the Internet.  Under this patent-pending system, each and
every packet must be pre-approved by a Microsoft employee
before routers will accept it."

"If we didn't have the freedom to innovate, this exciting new
protocol would not be possible," she concluded.  "Users would
be doomed to spend the next century fighting a futile battle
against malware, while spending less time with their
children.  But we have a better vision for the future.  At
Microsoft, we are always thinking about the children."

--
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