[humorix] The Horrible, Terrible Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

The Horrible, Terrible Tinfoil Hat Conspiracy
May 16, 2004

In a shocking discovery, the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has
learned that the US government has been operating a secret
radar system for the last decade capable of tracking individual
crackpots wearing tinfoil hats.

"Tinfoil hats produce a very distinct signature when probed by
Doppler weather radar," said the researcher who developed the
system. "By tracking these returns over time, we can compile an
extensive geospatial database of the movements and activities
of conspiracy theorists across the country."

The developer of the system contacted the Vast Spy Network
anonymously by sending encrypted RFC 1149 packets.  He decided
to reveal the secret after hearing about this year's annual
Connecticut Conspiracy Convention (ConnConCon), attended by
several thousand crackpots, many sporting metallic headwear.

"My guilty conscience prompted me to do something to help those
poor bastards, who stubbornly believe that a lousy piece of
foil can protect them from the government," he said.  "But the
whole idea behind tinfoil hats was actually planted by the
government to make it easier to track these people."

The CIA, FBI, NSA, DOJ, TSA, and various other three-letter
government "security" agencies all have a vested interest in
controlling the burgeoning popularity of conspiracy theories.

"Right now it's fashionable to be a crackpot," said Mennon
Black, the chief of Humorix's Vast Conspiracy Theory Research
Division(tm).  "This could pose a severe threat to
you-know-who, especially if the public learns about the
government's involvement with the saucer people and reverse
vampires.  But with the tinfoil tracking system, any conspiracy
theorist who tries to divulge the truth will suddenly have a
terrible accident involving 300 pounds of sulphuric acid."

More importantly, however, the tinfoil data can be correlated
with other anti-privacy databases to produce an accurate
computer simulation showing how various conspiracy theories
spread.  "Does anybody really believe that the government is
funding multi-million dollar supercomputers to similate the
weather?  Oh, please," explained one leading Vast Spy Network
crackpot who protects himself from mind-control rays by living
24/7 in a Faraday cage.  "The real mission is to study meme
propogation, so that the government can subvert the process and
spread bogus conspiracy theories that will lead people away
from the sinister truth."

Not everybody is buying the tinfoil conspiracy, however.  The
organizer of the Connecticut Conspiracy Convention said, "This
whole thing was obviously planted by a government agent to fool
people into thinking that tinfoil hats are bad.  Obviously, the
government wants people to stop wearing these devices, which
will allow mind-control rays to work more effectively.  Just
because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you
with a meta-meta-conspiracy."


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