[humorix] Microsoft Unveils "Perfect" Anti-Spam System

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Unveils "Perfect" Anti-Spam System
May 6, 2004

REDMOND, WA -- If you thought Clippit the Dancing Paperclip was
annoying in previous versions of Office, just wait until it
reaches the desktop of Windows MT (Microsoft Technology),
formerly code-named "Longhorn".   As part of a new initiative
to eliminate spam from email, Microsoft will instead deliver
spam messages directly to the desktop using Clippit as a
spokessprite.

"Spammers will no longer need to resort to using email, a
horrible medium for delivering advertising.  Now they can send
their messages directly to the user's screen with Windows MT,"
explained a Microsoft brochure.

Microsoft demonstrated the new patent-pending system last week
at  AssimilCon '04 in Redmond ("The Premier Convention For
Members of the Microsoft Collective").  During one demo, the
presenter logged in to his online banking site with Internet
Explorer and then Clippit appeared and said, "I see your bank
account is running low. Would you like to apply for a
low-interest loan from FlyByNightLoans2004.com?"

The Microserf giving the demo boasted, "As you can see, this is
a much more targeted, user-friendly advertising experience than
ordinary spam email. Once spammers can pitch their valuable
services to users from within Windows, they will no longer need
to send out any unsolicited email. Won't it be nice to have an
uncluttered email inbox?  That's what Microsoft will achieve."

The presenter added, "Thanks to all of the ad revenue that we
will generate from this program, Microsoft will be able to
offer Windows MT Home Edition for the unbelievable low price of
only $199.95, a 50% savings.  Of course, the license agreement
will prohibit the user from tampering or disabling Clippit in
any way, but that's a small price to pay for innovation."

During another demo limited to attendees over the age of 18,
the presenter started to pull up a porn website when Clippit
danced on the screen and said, "I see you are typing with one
hand.  Would like to have your penis enlarged?"  The presenter
tried to make a joke by saying, "No, I work for Microsoft but
I'm not micro soft" (even most of the Microsoft groupies in the
audience thought this joke was lame).  Next Clippit asked,
"Well, would you be interested in purchasing V1agr5 without a
prescription?"

Microsoft has already inked deals with several big-name
spammers to sell desktop advertising.  Said one industry
pundit, "Some of these companies are disreputable now, but I
predict their partnership with the world's greatest software
innovator will bolster their reputation and earn goodwill from
users who will no longer wear out the DELETE keys on their
keyboards from deleting so much junk email."


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