[humorix] Tuxissa Victims Sued By You-Know-Who

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Tuxissa Victims Sued By You-Know-Who
March 30, 2004
By ultravioletu

SOMEWHERE IN UTAH -- As part of their ongoing strategy to
surpass Microsoft as the world's most evil corporation, The
SCO Group today filed several thousand new lawsuits against
victims of the Tuxissa computer virus.  As both regular
Humorix readers will remember, the Tuxissa virus infects
Windows machines and silently upgrades them to Linux [1] --
without paying royalties to SCO.

In a press release issued today, SCO's Minister of
Information stated, "For the last several months, we have
generously offered a steep 0.2% discount on our Linux
licenses for viral-based distributions such as Tuxissa.
But despite this magnanimous offer, the makers of Tuxissa
continue to distribute their software in clear violation of
our well-established intellectual property rights. We have
taken proactive steps to end this outrage..."

SCO compiled the list of Tuxissa users with the help of the
newly deployed Organized Real-time Worldwide Electronic
Listening Layer (ORWELL), a protocol included in IPv666.
One SCO representative, a Mr. Schpokes Weezull, said, "We
would like to thank our master... er, sponsor... er, I
mean, a... ummm... a certain patriotic Redmond-based
company that innovated the IPv666 system which made all
this possible."

"Up until now most people with a Tuxissa infection on their
machines were unaware that they were actually using Linux
instead of Windows," explained Weezull.  "The friendly
letters sent out by our legal department should educate
these users and rectify the situation.  If we cannot settle
these lawsuits to our liking,  we are prepared to dispatch
our own virus which will seemlessly upgrade Tuxissa
machines to SCO Unix while automatically deducting  a large
amounts from the users' bank accounts (another bonus
feature of IPv666)."

One SCO official said strictly off the record, "Somehow, I
feel a bit sorry for these people -- most of them are just
a bunch of flaming clueless users, having no idea that they
don't actually run Windows. I even doubt that they know
what Linux means (some kind of comic strip character,
maybe?).  However, we had to think of our lawyer's
children."

Indeed, Mr. Hal Fwit, 41, office manager, admitted: "Yeah,
now that you mention it, I remember that, one day, all the
dancing paperclips, never-ending wizards, search dogs and
strange bluescreens suddenly disappeared. However, I was
still able to browse my adult dating website all day long
without any trouble, so why bother thinking of about it?"

SCO has also tracked down the authors of Tuxissa, which
were on the top of the company's Most Wanted list (followed
by that master thief, Linus Torvalds, who first stole
Unix's intellectual property from an unsecured FTP server
in the late 1980's and then passed the code off as his
own).

"We are currently holding the Tuxissa troublemakers in our
top-secret tortur... er, negotiation room," announced Mr.
Weezull.  "Hopefully we can reach a mutual agreement in
which they purchase at full price 100,000 SCO Linux
licenses in exchange for not being deported to the bottom
of the Arctic Ocean (our Pacific Ocean deportation office
is currently experiencing a backlog)."

"In addition to Tuxissa users," Weezull added, "we also
have our sights set on those freaky long-haired Marx-loving
hippies residing on Humorixia [2], the island nation in
which practicing law is punishable by stoning with AOL
discs [3]. However, our specially trained CDE (Coup D'Etat)
elite paramilitary unit will soon infiltrate the Humorixia
Dictatorship and bring liberty, democracy and frivolous
lawsuits to the country.  No longer will these oppressed
Humorixians be forced to live without lawyers. It will be a
great day for liberation."

Some commentators have speculated about what group could be
the next target. The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) reports
that The SCO Group is preparing a massive operation against
dogs, coyotes, jackals, wolves, werewolves and other
species that dare to bark without paying any royalties to
the SCO Legal Department (according to patent
#52864149345678).

---

[1] http://humorix.org/articles/1999/03/tuxissa/
[2] http://humorix.org/articles/1999/12/humorixia-founded/
[3] Well, can you think of a better use for old AOL discs?



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