[humorix] Feds Unveil Practical Method To Combat Spam

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Feds Unveil Practical Method To Combat Spam
March 8, 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to drum up public support
for its Orwellian surveillance programs, the FBI and CIA
today announced a new project to employ the Carnivore and
Echelon spy systems to help combat spam.

"It's such an ingenious system I can't believe nobody has
thought of it before," explained Special Agent Lee
Thullweppon.  "Basically, we use our spy toys to track down
every instance in which a gullible idiot purchases
something from a spammer.  After compiling a list of every
clueless Internet user in the country, we can then publicly
humiliate them."

In addition to publishing the names and email addresses of
these suckers, the FBI will also turn over their database
to the FCC, which is publishing a Please-Do-Spam list that
will be distributed to spammers.

"If a spammer has access to a list of millions* of
clue-impaired users, they won't need to bother sending spam
to anybody else," Thullweppon argued.   "It's a win-win-win
situation.  The clueless users will continue to receive
you-know-what-lengthening promos and get-rich-quick
come-ons (which they obviously like), the spammers will
continue to receive boatloads of money for being vile scum,
and everybody else will be able to use email again without
fearing that their keyboard's <kbd>DELETE</kbd> key will
stop working due to overuse."

Reaction to the new program has been mixed.  "We need to
destroy spammers, not help them make more money," said one
irate user who has stopped using email altogether and may
only be contacted by Avian Carrier at the coordinates
37.715833 N, 91.719722 W.

"A better solution is to make it legal to commit identify
theft against known spammers in order for spam victims to
recoup some money," the irate user continued. "Perhaps
Carnivore could track down the social-security numbers of
every spammer, and then this information could be
distributed to spam victims through some kind of lottery
system."

Another user said, "I'm far more worried about George
Orwell than I am about Alan Ralsky.  Just wait until
political parties get their hands on this list of gullible
fools -- the Republican and Democratic Parties will both
have a field day with such information!"

However, one person we interviewed, Mr. Sy Cofant of Falls
Church, Virginia, was ecstatic about the news.  "With all
of the information that the government has collected in
order to protect freedom, it's good to see that they can
now protect us from spam.  I can't wait until they devise a
way to automatically prepare our tax returns for us, a move
that would protect us from paperwork and allow us to spend
more time with our beloved children.  Isn't technology
great?"



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