[humorix] Kernel Developer Accused Of Using Pirated Version Of Linux

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Kernel Developer Accused Of Using Pirated Version Of Linux
March 13, 2004

SILLYCON VALLEY -- One moment, Eric Hasher was getting
ready to send a message to the Linux Kernel Mailing List.
The next, he heard shouts of "This is a raid!" and a
phalanx of armed forces wearing ASB uniforms (Authoritarian
Software Bullies) stormed into his office.  Before long, he
found himself confined in Cellblock 3 of the local ASB
Justice Center awaiting trial on 5,232 counts of software
piracy.

"The ASB goons started demanding certificates of
authenticity and registration keys for every piece of
software on my computers," Hasher said.  "I tried to
explain to them that I was a Linux developer and that every
single byte of software on my machines is 100% open source,
but they didn't seem to understand or care."

According to an ASB spokesweasel, Hasher had 5,232
different illegal software programs installed on his office
computers, including Emacs (which counts as 200). The ASB
estimated that the street value for all of this software
was somewhere near $23 million.

"Criminals like this make me sick," the ASB spokesweasel
ranted. "This blatant disregard for intellectual property
rights is costing the American economy several trillion
dollars each year. Just the source code for one recent
version of Microsoft Windows is worth more than all of the
world's gold put together. Needless to say, we take these
things very seriously."

Attempts by Hasher to beat the ASB enforcers over the head
with a cluestick have so far proven futile.  "Terms like
open source, GPL, and Linux all mean nothing to them," he
lamented.

"According to the ASB, all software is proprietary and must
be properly licensed and registered -- even if you helped
develop it," Hasher said.  "If you have misplaced even just
one license key, you're going to jail.  You don't even want
to know what they do to people who obtain a piece of
software with a student discount and then turn around and
use it for commercial work."

"On the bright side, at least I've made some friends here.
My cellmate is a fellow Linux hacker who created a small
open source program and was then arrested because he didn't
issue a proper certificate of authenticity to himself.
He's charged with one count of meta-piracy and various
other frivolous charges."

As a community service (yeah, right), our own legal
counsel, Mr. Noah Morals of the Lowe, Morals, and Scruples
Law Firm, has graciously offered to provide his services
free of charge to all users arrested by the ASB for
pirating un-pirate-able software.  Morals is assembling a
dream team of copyright lawyers, including Mr. M. T.
Scruples (junior partner), Mr.  Bob "Bear" Attry, Mr. Les
Honor, Mrs. Petty Fogger, and Ms. Sully Sittor.

"We're preparing to execute an energetic upward
gesticulation of our lower extremities following an
alignment converging on their collective posteriors,"
boasted Mr. Scruples.  [Translation: "We're going to kick
their ass."]



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