[humorix] Microsoft Patents Zero-Click Security System

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

Microsoft Patents Zero-Click Security System
February 2, 2004

REDMOND, WA -- Demonstrating its "commitment to security",
Microsoft today unveiled a new patent-pending method to
prevent users from accidentally following malicious URLs.
Under the new system, to be released in the next version of
Internet Explorer, the browser will prevent users from
clicking on links but will instead guide them to manually
type in the URL in the address bar and then hit ENTER.

"Not only have we increased security by forcing people to
double-check their URLs, but we have also made the Internet
more accessible by removing the need for a mouse to follow
links," explained a Microsoft PR flack.  "This is yet
another example of why our freedom to innovate must never be
curtailed..."

The PR weasel then took the opportunity to poke fun at "both
people" that stubbornly continue to use competing browsers.
"Does your browser include Zero-Click technology?  Of course
not, because we've patented it.  Your browser contains a
gaping security hole that allows con-artists to fool you
into revealing vital personal information, such as your
name, credit card number, or ice cream preference.  In fact,
your browser is so insecure the government should outlaw
it!"

"Not that we would want the government to do that," he
hastily added, "Because then we would no longer be able to
argue in court that Microsoft isn't a monopoly. If that were
to happen, the court might decide to impose a harsh remedy,
such as reducing the cost of Windows XP by 5 dollars.  And
that would be bad."

In related news, Microsoft also announced a permanent
solution to prevent the spread of Windows and Outlook-based
email worms. Knowledge Base Article #12,534,091,023 states,
"A simple workaround for this problem is to (a) locate your
computer's power cord and (b) disconnect it.  This course of
action has been shown to be highly effective at stopping
email-based malicious programs..."



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