[humorix] TV Network Gives Out Free PVRs! (Some Strings Attached)

[James Baughn <jbaughn@xxxxxxx>]

TV Network Gives Out Free PVRs!  (* Some Strings Attached)
January 29, 2004

HOUSTON, TX -- Just in time for the Super Bowl, the  SeeBS
broadcast television network has announced that 50 million
Personal Video Recorders will be distributed free of charge
at participating Radio Outhouse and CompUSSR outlets.

Of course, these free devices come with strings attached.
Not only do they spy on the user, but they are designed to
skip shows, but not commercials.

"Many people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials,"
explained one SeeBS spokesflapper.  "With this device,
people can easily record their favorite Super Bowl
commercials and watch them over and over, while ignoring
the filler football crap that the FCC makes us air between
commercial breaks."

The move comes in sharp contrast to the recent SeeBS policy
of denouncing PVRs whenever possible.  "If you watch a show
and skip the commercials, you are a common criminal.  Even
shoplifters have better morals!" said one SeeBS executive
during an August 2003 interview.

Times have changed, however.  "If you can't beat 'em, join
'em!" the same executive said today at a press conference
(SeeBS pre-empted the popular game show 'Who Wants To Be
Embarrased On National TV In Front Of Millions?' to air the
press conference live).  "With our free machines, we will
turn the tables on commercial-skippers, airtime-stealers,
and other immoral scum that should not be allowed the
privilege of owning a TV."

While similar to other PVRs, the SeeBS model will only work
with a special remote control that consists of a giant
button ("Skip Show, Go Straight To Next Commercial")
surrounded by several other microscropic buttons that can
only be pressed with a needle.

"During our focus group sessions, we learned that many
viewers wanted a way to skip lame filler material (i.e.,
shows) and go straight to our award-winning commercials and
infomercials," said a SeeBS assistant market research
specialist third class. "With this new device, which we are
graciously distributing at no charge, our viewers will now
be empowered to watch their favorite advertisements at any
time that want."

In related news, Ted Turner announced that his Turner
Commercial Channel (TCC), launched in 2001 and featuring
nothing but commercials [1], has surpassed fifty million
daily viewers.  Turner hopes to increase that number by
offering school districts large sums of money in exchange
for permanently tuning their classroom televisions to TCC
and handing down expulsions to any student who dares change
the channel or smuggle in their own TV or radio.

[1] http://humorix.org/articles/aug01/turner.shtml


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