[humorix] The Image Manipulation Program Formerly Known As The GIMP

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The Image Manipulation Program Formerly Known As The GIMP
October 15, 2003

MADISON AVENUE, NEW YORK -- Evan Gelist didn't know what he
was getting into.  The founder of a prestigious marketing
consulting firm, All The World's Not A Stage, But A
Commercial, Inc., Gelist was commissioned by a consortium
of Linux companies to promote Linux and to develop a
sure-fire way to convince the millions of Pointy Haired
Bosses worldwide that Open Source (not "Open Sores") is a
good thing.

Not an easy task, by any means.  "Let's face it," he said.
"Geeks only care about substance, but the real world is
driven by style and fluff, a commodity that Microsoft has
in abundance but which is sorely lacking in Linux.  This
situation needs to change."

After several weeks of research, focus group meetings, and
brainstorming sessions, Gelist's firm has produced the
"Columbus Day Document", a  manifesto which outlines a
series of strategies for defeating Microsoft and
proprietary software.

"Image is everything," he said while presenting his plan to
a room full of bored reporters.  "The geek community loves
pointless names and acronyms.  Pointy Haired Bosses also
love pointless names and acronyms -- unfortunately, the
names used by PHBs are totally different.  The Linux
community needs to adapt the same kind of vapid, feel-good,
content-free naming scheme used by managers."

Gelist presented The GIMP as an example of a project in
desperate need for a PHB-friendly image.  "OK, so what the
hell is a GIMP?"  he asked.  "What does it stand for?  I've
been told that the 'G' stands for GNU.  So what the hell
does that mean? GNU's Not Unix.  Well, besides the obvious
fact that GNU is indeed intertwined with Unix, nobody
really gives a rodent's posterior about self-recursive
acronyms. The first thing we need to do is find a new
marketing campaign for GNU.  Right now it's a GNUisance,
but it could become a leverageable asset if we can find the
right brand for it."

"GNOME?  KDE?  These mean nothing," he continued.
"Mandrake?  Red Hat?  According to our focus groups, far
too many people associate these names with Communism.
Mozilla?  The Internet is already a scary place as it is
without a web browser named for a famous monster.  Who
actually invented these names and what where they smoking?
Whatever it was, they should demand their money back..."

Mark Itting, the firm's Assistant Manager of Creative
Brainstorming Endeavors, then suggested that The GIMP be
renamed to 'Imaverapix'.   "In focus group sessions,
potential users were the most responsive to this suggested
name. It doesn't mean anything in particular, but it
projects a sense of 'truth'.  This type of
semantically-null yet perception-enhanced name has worked
quite well  for companies like Verizon Wireless, and it can
work for Linux."

The Columbus Day Document, available from the firm's
website,  also suggests that Linux distributions make
available a default window manager geared towards PHBs and
novice users.

"The typical KDE and GNOME desktops have too many icons and
pulldown-within-pulldown menus," Gelist wrote in the
manifesto. "We need to make things so painfully obvious
that even a clue-impaired MCSE can find stuff on the
desktop -- for that matter, his 83-year-old grandmother
with poor eyesight should be able to use the system, too.
So, for example, instead of an 'Abiword' icon, we need a
'This Program Lets You Write Letters' icon in large
letters.  In place of 'Mozilla', we need 'Use This To
Browse The Internet', and so on."

"With just a few cosmetic changes and some new names for
projects, we can execute a marketing campaign that will
finally grab mindshare from non-geeks," Gelist said.  "Now,
when do I get paid?"

It's not immediately clear whether the average open source
hacker will go along with the suggestions.

One naysayer says nay: "Oh please, this guy is full of
[expletive].  If a marketing major says, 'Jump off a cliff
and you'll make millions', that doesn't mean you should do
it... You can pry KDE from my cold, dead hard drive. I'm
not using something called "Veriwindomatic XP" or
":eXcelzilon:9" or "Qualimanna!Valu*Pro" or something
equally stupid."

"Marketing is not enough," one critic criticized.  "Too
many people believe that they can never get fired for
choosing Microsoft. Until people actually start getting
fired for choosing Microsoft, nothing will ever change..."


--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/