[humorix] Spam Increases Productivity (According To Spammers)

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Spam Increases Productivity (According To Spammers)
September 29, 2003

A "ground-breaking" new study underwritten, conducted, and
distributed by the Bureau of American Salesmen Taking and
Abusing Resources to Distribute Spam (BASTARDS) reveals
that the morass of unsolicited commercial email on the
Internet actually increases the productivity of the average
IT worker by 43.6%.

"What everybody forgets," explained the study's lead
author, Dr. Ima Fersaille, "is that spam provides the
perfect excuse to delete incoming emails you don't want to
answer.  If the co-worker, boss, or customer later asks
'Did you get my email?', you can always just say, 'Oops, I
must have accidentally deleted it when I was clearing spam
from my inbox' or 'Oh darn, I guess the spam filter killed
it'.

The study argues that the ability to selectively ignore
email allows IT workers to focus on other, more important
tasks, therefore increasing productivity.

"With a touch of a button, complaints, bug reports, and
technical support requests can be deleted without fear of
reprisal," Fersaille said.  "Do you really want to live in
a world where you have to write detailed responses to every
annoying complaint from clueless users?  Spam has managed
to prevent that dystopian outlook from happening."

Also today, the  Coalition of Ruthless Entrepreneurs,
Telemarketers, Independent Nobility, and Salesmen (CRETINS)
announced their own study  which concludes that
telemarketers have "numerous" positive benefits to society.
This study, to be published in the November issue of the
Journal Of Crackpot Medical Studies That Weren't Accepted
By Other Publications, claims that unsolicited phone calls
"decrease obesity in the average person by 4.6%."

The study's lead author explained at a sparsely attended
press conference, "Each time the phone rings, a person
sitting or lying down must, at the very least, get up to
answer the phone.  If they are sitting at a dinner table,
they will probably also have to walk across the room to
find the phone. These actions burn calories and promote
health.  Our research indicates that the average American
will burn 10.7 million calories over the course of their
lifetime answering courtesy calls..."

Another spokesweasel for the organization said, "People who
sign up for a Do-Not-Call list are really signing up for a
I-Want-To-Keel-Over-And-Die- From-A-Heart-Attack list.
Diet, exercise, and free trade are the ingredients for a
healthy lifestyle."

This unbiased reporter tried to find a source who would
give a rebuttal to these ridiculous studies.  However,
everybody I talked to started laughing uncontrollably and
were therefore unavailable for comment at press time.


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