[humorix] It's Not A Bug, It's A Patented Feature

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

It's Not A Bug, It's A Patented Feature
September 15, 2003

SILLYCON VALLEY -- At 1:00 PM today, a large flock of
attorneys gathered outside the office of Mr. Pat
Entmonger.  They came from far and wide, hoping to secure
him as a client.  Why?  Well, Entmonger has just been
granted the most potentially profitable patent in the
history of intellectual property, and the lawyers all
wanted a piece of the action.

"This is the motherlode," explained one lawyer waiting
outside.  "This gentleman has procured a 59-page patent
that will make a whole bunch of people billionaires. I just
hope I can be one of them."

In the end, Entmonger picked a team of 10 lawyers to help
him litigate his patent.  He demanded upfront that these
lawyers pay him (not the other way around) a legal fee for
the right to represent him in this historic endeavor.

"I made it!  I made it!  This is the biggest day of my
career," boasted one attorney who made the cut as the tenth
and final team member.  Everybody else was sent home,
without consolation prizes.  A few of the unlucky lawyers,
however, have threatened to sue, but none have done so yet.

The patent litigation is expected to begin next week.
Anybody who has ever written a software program more
complicated than "Hello World" is a potential target (and
even "Hello World" might not be invincible).  End-users
could be in big trouble as well.

"Just about every piece of software, particularly code
written in C, infringes on my intellectual property,"
Entmonger boasted.

Utilizing a business strategy pioneered (but not patented)
by SCO, Entmonger has refused to actually explain the basis
of his claim.  But the lack of details hasn't stopped him
from drafting a bunch of bark letters that will be mailed
to thousands of companies starting next week.

Thanks to the diligent efforts of the Humorix Vast Spy
Network(tm), which spent a grueling five minutes searching
for the text of the patent on the US Patent Office's
website, we have been able to obtain a copy of the
super-secret patent filing.

One section of the patent describes a "protocol for memory
allocation and pointer manipulation allowing remote users
the ability to insert arbitrary executable code into
memory, serving a variety of benevolent and/or malevolent
purposes."

In short, Entmonger has patented buffer overflows.
Moreover, the patent also covers dozens of other common
exploits and bugs found in both Unix and Windows based
software.  However, none of these bugs are considered
'bugs' by the patent -- they are treated as 'features'.
The patent says, "The aforementioned protocols can be  used
for legitimate purposes to allow remote users to execute
shell commands seamlessly and effortlessly."

Entmonger, the founder, CEO, majority stockholder,
secretary, treasurer, janitor, spokesman and sole employee
of "Litisue, Inc.", has surprisingly not yet been contacted
by SCO for a potential buyout offer, but it's only a matter
of days.

"This is truly scary," one industry fearmongerer said.
"Right now SCO doesn't have a leg to stand on legally, but
combined with Litisue's patent, they could easily establish
industry or even world domination."

One Linux advocate was worried about another problem.
"While there's always the risk that Entmonger could use his
patent to sue Open Source into oblivion, I think we should
be more concerned about another possibility.  What if the
threat of a multi-trillion dollar lawsuit finally provides
the incentive for Microsoft to actually clean up its code
and start focusing on security?  What if Microsoft software
actually becomes secure?  Then suddenly the Linux world
would lose a major talking point!"

Based on past experience, however, such a radical scenario
seems unlikely.

"Entmonger has really got Microsoft by the [expletive]s,"
observed an industry observer.  "Microsoft simply won't be
able to purge their software of the offending code, no
matter how many talented engineers they hire.  Linux could
be [expletive]ed too, but at least the Open Source
community could shift all development to more rational
countries where this patent doesn't apply.  Microsoft would
not be able to turn on a dime like that."

So far, Entmonger has not yet announced which parties he
plans to sue first. He might go after the deepest pockets
first (Microsoft) or he might first test the waters by
suing some podunk, cash-starved, easily-intimidated company
that couldn't even afford to hire Lionel Hutz, much less a
competent, non-fictional lawyer.

"Right now the BFG is in Entmongers's hands and we've all
got bullseyes painted on our chests," another industry
pundit said.  "I want my mommy."


--
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