[humorix] US Launches "Shock And Awe" Campaign To Rid The World Of Open Source

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

US Launches "Shock And Awe" Campaign To Rid The World Of Open Source
April 23, 2003

"According to the domino theory, once a country turns Red
Hat, they never go back..."
-- U.S. Senator Bob McSlarthy

WASHINGTON -- After discovering a cache of Mandrake CDs in
a bunker underneath Saddam's 419th palace, the White House
wasted no time in declaring Open Source a terrorist threat
and spearheading a strategy to kill -9 it from the face of
the earth.

"By distributing stable, highly secure software for free
across the globe, Open Source allows capable nation-states
the ability to create computer networks totally invicible
against our Echelon, Carnivore, and other
soon-to-be-unleased systems that we aren't supposed to
have," explained an anonymous source at some three-letter
government bureaucracy.

At a briefing held earlier today in the White House
Situation Room, President Dubya presented a color-coded map
showing the countries where Linux, Apache, and other free
software projects have most the penetration.

While pointing to several countries shaded in red, Dubya
said, "Here, here, and here are countries that are in the
process of being subverted by the Communistic, long-haired,
hippie freaks.  The legislatures in these countries are on
the verge of passing laws that would require the government
to use Open Source software when possible.  This is only
the beginning.  The Red Hat menace must be stopped..."

Meanwhile, at a Congressional hearing by the Committee For
Alarming The Populace With Yet Another Imaginary Hobgoblin,
Senator Bob McSlarthy said, "I am holding in my hand a deck
of cards listing 55 members of the GNU Project suspected of
un-Capitalistic activities.  These spies and traitors must
be stopped before their weapons of mass digital destruction
fall into the hands of terrorists."

The committee chair, Senator Fattecat, agreed, "The
solution to this cancer is obvious.  I have assurances from
Microsoft and other commercial software vendors that they
are ready to send an emergency mobilization of thousands of
technicians and marketers worldwide to help deploy their
closed source software in countries that are teetering on
the edge.  Microsoft can airlift two hundred people armed
with Windows CDs to any red zone with only five minute's
notice -- all they need is my signal."

Mandrake, firmly in the crosshairs of the administration's
Shock and Awe strategery, issued a hasty response.  A
spokesgeek said, "It's clear that those CDs found in
Baghdad were planted.  We all know that Iraq's most
advanced computers -- imported before the sanctions from
Gulf War 1.0 -- are Commodore Colts.  Even Linux has never
been ported to that."

He added, "There's no proof that the bad guys are using
Linux -- but Windows is another story.  If I had to deal
with dancing paperclips, stupid wizards, proprietary file
formats, activation schemes that don't activate, and
bluescreens on a daily basis, then committing a suicide
bombing would start to look mighty tempting."


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