[humorix] Microsoft Tells The Truth: Windows Makes Hackers Extinct

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Tells The Truth: Windows Makes Hackers Extinct
March 28, 2003

REDMOND, WA -- Linux longhairs across the world were
shocked and awed to learn that Microsoft has spearheaded an
advertising campaign that is totally truthful in its
claims.  The ads boast that "Windows .NOT 2003 will make
hackers as extinct as wooly mammoths."

"Sadly, it's all true," sighed one Linux advocate.   "With
extreme licensing requirements, fifty-page EULAs, and
mandatory waiting periods for the SDKs, Windows 2003 and
related '.NOT nexus' technologies will make hackers,
independent software developers,  and hobbyists extinct."

Those wishing to develop custom software for the .NOT
platform will have to register with Microsoft, pay an
exorbitant "activation fee", undergo a rigorous background
check, submit to a ten-day "waiting period", and attend at
least one training session at a Microsoft Brainwashing
Facility.  

[Editor's Note: Well, they won't actually call them
Brainwashing Facilities -- that's just the code-name until
their spin doctors can invent something more
euphemism-enhanced, such as Microsoft IndoctrinationX
Campuses or Microsoft .NOT ActiveExperience Bootcamps.]

"If you want to hack together a quick Perl script on the
.NOT platform... well, good luck," ranted one frequent
anti-Microsoft ranter who frequents Slashdot.  "You want to
hack the Registry to get rid of that damn paperclip once
and for all?  No dice. You want to create your own proxy
filter to monitor outgoing connections to make sure Media
Player isn't phoning home?  Yeah right!  It ain't gonna
happen without Microsoft's permission -- and that will
happen just as soon as pigs fly into Bill Gates' mansion."

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) was able to obtain a scan
of a photo of a Xerox copy of a hand-drawn artist's
rendering of a prototype of the Windows 2003 interface. 
The most disturbing part of the interface is the "Red
Screen of Access Denied", a dialog box that pops up
frequently to inform the user "You can't do that",
accompanied by a recording of Nelson from The Simpsons
yelling, "Ha ha!"

"Everything you can and can't do within the Windows 2003
interface sandbox is completely regulated," explained an
anonymous source who knows somebody that recently had lunch
with somebody that works at Microsoft. "You can't install
unapproved software, you can't attached uncertified
hardware peripherals without voiding the EULA, you can't
cut-and-paste from a Office 2003 document without first
obtaining a password from the copyright holder, and you
can't remove the annoying 'Sign up for MSN!' icons from the
desktop without first buying the Windows .NOT Plus! pack
and running the Icon Explorer program."

Our source added, "Not only will this stifling, repressive
system scare off hackers, but it will likely scare off
everybody else except for Pointy Haired Bosses and corrupt
Congressmen.  So, yes, Microsoft's ad campaign is entirely
accurate -- and then some."

In order to present some sort of facade of journalistic
objectivity, we tracked down a die-hard Microsoft groupie
to present the evil monopoly's side of the story.  The
following is the drivel he spouted in defense of Microsoft:
"This is all FUD.  Microsoft has no plans to require
'waiting periods' or 'bootcamps'.  Just because Microsoft
will make it more difficult for users to wreck their own
systems or to violate copyright laws doesn't make this the
evil conspiracy that Linux freaks make it out to be. 
Windows .NOT is an innovative paradigm, which is far more
than you can say for Linux, which is merely warmed up Unix
which was copied from MS-DOS."

With that formality out of the way, we can now return to
plain old fashion Microsoft bashing.  An industry observer
commented, "Buying a computer with future versions of
Windows installed is like buying a car with the hood welded
shut -- you won't be able to tinker or repair anything
yourself.  Of course, Micrsoft will try to argue that this
system will protect you from the bad guys, in the same way
that having a welded hood will prevent the bad guys from
stealing your motor. But what's the point of owning a
computer if you can't do anything general purpose with it? 
You might as well go out and buy an abacus -- that's one
platform that Microsoft will never dominate or infect."

--
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