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[humorix] The Latest in Hot W4r3z
The Latest in Hot W4r3z
5% Fake News, 95% True News written by Onering Howe
March 25, 2003
ROOT, HUMORIXIA -- The ASB (Authoritarian Software Bullies)
attempted to raid Root FTP servers today in search of a
rumored new source of "warez" becoming very popular in the
community: the mysterious /dev/null.
"The amount of evil software piracy measured by our
TerrorWatch(TM) webcrawling script has risen 1000% in the
last two weeks," asserted an ASB spokesweasel we just made
up. "We believe this so-called 'null device', available
only on communistic hippie Linux systems, is responsible
for the majority of this increase."
This statement was rapidly followed by Taco Boy in a fake
Slashdot post[1] entitled "HOLY SHIT!#! It's the End of
the World!!! (v2.0)". He wrote, "How could the ASB have
gained all this tehnical [sic] knowledge??!!? THEY now
know what webcrawling AND devices are! RMS is wrong; Free
Software must have Secret Documentation that can never be
read by our mortal enemies...."
ASB cracking scripts, based on ASB-AutoPatrioticHack(TM),
were unable to break into any Humorixia-domain GNU/Linux
boxes, as the buffer-overflow attack they used is not
effective against Apache, only IIS. The evil syndicate was
able to obtain copies of the latest Debian GNU/Linux
release, but it is unclear how exactly the ASB will use
these as evidence of the /dev/null device.
It all started when a Humorixia netizen (who asked to
remain anonymous), considering possibilities for his second
required Humorixia Community Contribution of the year, used
the GNU 'dd' tool to write data from the alleged piracy
source device to a file named 'WindowsXP.zip' in his public
FTP directory. He created a web page explaining the
purpose of this file, and proceeded to give out its link.
Using links posted on the netizen's geek friends' blogs,
the file was quickly indexed by Google and other search
bots as a result of the file's high availability (thanks to
Humorix's TeraBand(TM) access). Surprised by the ASB's
seemingly slow action to take the file down, lamerz
propagated the file on their own web spaces (well, OK,
wherever they could find web spaces).
"All Linux users are evil pirates, and all Linux systems
come with the tools of the trade," said the spokesweasel.
"We've already uncovered 'POSIX', which is apparently a
complete guide to pirate tools used by these evildoers. By
the way, we would also like to say that Linux is not
suitable for use by anybody, including non-pirates."
One irate GNU/Linux user present (which for some reason we
haven't made up yet) shouted at the spokesweasel, "HAVE YOU
EVEN LOOKED AT THE FILE!? IT'S NOTHING! IT'S JUST NULL
OUTPUT!"
"Oh, so you admit the existence of this 'null device'!
Guards, take him away!" At which point ActivePolice(R)
burst into the press room and dragged the poor advocate
away.
"Going on, this POSIX 'standard', which we believe is some
kind of foreign-language reference to Communist Soviet
Union, says that the hacker command 'dd' can write to any
file the pirate chooses. That means Linux pirates can use
this 'null device' to get any pirate file they want:
Windows, Office, Photoshop, you name it. 'POSIX' doesn't
say there are any licensing limits whatsoever." He
cringed.
While the ASB is certainly worried about all the 'null
device' derived warez out there already, sources say they
are even more worried about the future. Our Humorix Vast
Spy Network(TM) operative inside the ASB (as a janitor,
*wink* *wink*) told us, "They're so worried about this,
they're sending out email viruses, dubbed 666.pr0fitk33p,
that scan computers for 'null device' warez and phone home
about it. Don't ask them how, I wrote the code. By
dictating one character at a time to a Microserf, of
course, not actually touching the computer."
Our worst fears were confirmed when the ASB issued a press
release[2] stating, "That Windows-using pirates are giving
our software to other criminals is bad enough. But the
Linux pirates can get any of our software at any time. We
must head them off by illegalizing Linux now, and sending
ASB CompSquads to take out any criminal holdouts, before
they destroy the software industry. Remember, if Microsoft
goes down, so does the economy -- and the rest of modern
civilization."
[1] fakehttp://slashdot.org/articles/03/03/25/0000001.shtml
[2] fakehttp://www.asb.com/profitkeep/deathtolinux/illegal.asp
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