[humorix] Mobsters Accuse Software Association Of Patent Infringement

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Mobsters Accuse Software Association Of Patent Infringement
March 1, 2003

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Planning on committing extortion? 
You'd better obtain a license first from Chicago's largest
organized crime syndicate: they now own a series of patents
on various practices involving hired goons, cement shoes,
blackmail, and kneecap breaking.

"Mobsters invented the idea of shaking businesses down for
money and raiding their establishments if they don't.  This
money-raising technique is now patented, and we're going to
start shaking down any business that violates our
intellectual property rights."

Their first target?  The ASB (Authoritarian Software
Bullies), a group of thugs that accuse anybody and
everybody of software piracy without proof.

"We first heard about that outfit [the ASB] when we got a
cease-and-desist letter accusing us of keeping copies of
Microsoft Office on our crime ring's public FTP server,"
explained mobster Vinny Twoface.  

"It turns out their automated script saw a file called
"office_raids" on our server and automatically assumed it
was a pirated copy of Microsoft Office, when in fact it is
a custom program that allows mob bosses to print out
floorplans of target businesses and then plan step-by-step
how to conduct a raid against them. We hold the copyright
-- and patent -- on this program."

"We are not happy about the ASB's tactics," Twoface
continued.  "They are infringing on our domain, and there's
only enough room in this city for twenty, maybe thirty
crime organizations -- the ASB is simply not welcome
here.  

The crime family has already sent a barrage of
cease-and-desist bark letters to the ASB, but the crime
lords have not decided how to proceed if the ASB fails to
respond.  "We might play it straight and sic our lawyers on
them, but I would prefer a more personal approach: raiding
their offices with kneecap-busting hired goons," said
Anthony Fatlips.  "Hired goons are cheap these days and
they always delivery quality results."

While the ASB has not issued a formal response, one of
their "piracy police" team members told this reporter
(strictly off ther record), "We have friends in high places
-- Microsoft, Unisys, and others. We're prepared for an
all-out mob war.  All we have to do is falsely accuse the
crime lords of owning pirated copies of Microsoft Windows,
Office, and Bob, and they won't be able to stop us -- it's
a brilliant strategy that we are quite experienced with..."

As it turns out, however, the mobsters don't use Windows. 
"Even we are morally opposed to Microsoft's monopolistic
software-taxing methods," said the mob's Director Of
Information Technology, Eddie Bigmouth.  "While we respect
and emulate Redmond's cutting-off-competitors-air-supply
techniques, their other business practices are simply
appalling. No, I think you'll find that Linux and OpenBSD
are the operating systems of choice for mobsters -- no
fuss, no muss, no security backdoors the FBI can take
advantage of."

"The ASB has picked a fight they can't win," Eddie said,
holding a certified copy of the group's patent on advanced
cement shoe production.  "A lawyer armed with an air-tight
patent can cause more damage than all of Iraq's army."

--
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