[humorix] Microsoft Poll Reveals Customers Enjoy High Prices, Low Quality, No Privacy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Poll Reveals Customers Enjoy High Prices, Low Quality, No
Privacy
February 26, 2003

REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today Microsoft announced the
results of a "100% independent, 100% impartial" survey
revealing that the average customer "embraces" monopolistic
tactics and spyware.

"This landmark study proves that the Department of Justice
just wasted millions of dollars persecuting us," explained
a company spokesweasel. "Anti-trust, anti-price-gouging,
and anti-monopoly laws are relics from the 19th Century
that have no relevance anymore and must be repealed."

According to the survey, 95% of respondents said that the
high prices of Windows and other Microsoft products didn't
stop them from buying every single upgrade and Plus!
version.  Nearly 80% said that "computers are supposed to
crash once in awhile" and that bugs were "not a concern."

Finally, 75% didn't mind that Windows Media Spewer and
Windows Update spied on them and "phoned home" to
Microsoft.

"Our customers are not stupid," said the PR weasel.  "They
know that the demographic information we collect is
strictly for improving the quality of our innovative
best-of-breed solutions.  If some of that information is
shared with our highly valued business partners who are
only concerned with helping consumers, then that's not a
problem either..."

He added, "And if even more of that information is shared
with the FBI, CIA, NSA, ATF, FDA, INS, FCC, FTC, TSA, TVA,
SEC, DEA, EPA, and DOJ to help fight terrorism, then the
vast majority of our customers approve -- who doesn't want
to help fight terrorism?"

Research by the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm), however,
casts doubt on the veracity of this study.  Almost all of
the respondents were college students promised beer money
for participating.  They didn't have any problem with
Microsoft's high prices because they all used pirated
versions that didn't cost them anything.  They weren't
concerned about low quality because many had access to
Linux and Unix boxes for those times when they actually
wanted to get stuff done.  As for privacy, many of the
students had Linux-based firewalls to help filter out
packets bound for microsoft.com.

"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics paid for by
Microsoft," said one industry observer.  "This study means
nothing.  Any study can be designed to produce any kind of
desired result -- I mean, only 13.5% of the U.S. population
aged 18-34 knows that."

A Microserf defended the study, though, saying, "We had a
large diverse sampling of the population in our study...
640 respondents should be enough for any study!"  

She continued, "The DoJ unilaterally attacked Microsoft
without provocation and, according to this study, without
the support of the American people.  We have far greater
problems to face -- like the spreading cancer of open
source idealism that's brainwashing our young people with
Communistic pravda and anti-intellectual-property
propaganda.  Another recent study shows that 53% of
housewives aged 25-49 are concerned about this threat to
their children..."

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