[humorix] CompUSSR Bans "Incompatible" Shoes From Stores

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

CompUSSR Bans "Incompatible" Shoes From Stores
Ann Oneemuss, Unpaid Intern Reporter
February 19, 2003

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA -- Two weeks ago, CompUSSR launched
a new company website that no longer works with any browser
except IE 6.0 on Windows ME with all security featured
disabled.  Earlier today, the Russia-based computer vendor
announced a similar policy for its 562 meatspace stores
worldwide; customers will no longer be able to wear any
brand of shoes except Nike(R) when entering.

"Nike brand shoes are the only brand that is 100%
compatible with our carpeting and linoleum floors,"
CompUSSR spokesperson Mikhail Sovietstereotype said.
"Anything else will leave scuff marks or cause undue wear
and tear. We figure that the vast majority of consumers
already wear Nikes and that this new policy will only
affect a minority of our customers."

One store this reporter visited already had a large "No
shirt, no Nike shoes, no service" sign hanging next to the
company's trademark "Satisfaction 95% guaranteed, Comrade"
poster.  When I tried to enter sporting a pair of Reeboks,
an alarm sounded and two security guards named Igor and
Victor escorted me out, saying, "To best experience the
CompUSSR store, please upgrade your shoes to Nike."

I was finally able to gain entry by writing "Nike" on
pieces of duct tape and slapping them over the Reebok logos
on my shoes.  The alarm system and the guards didn't seem
to mind.

When asked about the new policy, the store manager said,
"So what? Only about 10 to 15 percent of the population
continue to wear incompatible shoes.  We simply can't waste
money purchasing new carpeting and flooring to accomodate
such a small minority... Now are you going to buy something
or what?"

As a reporter, I am supposed to remain objective and
present both sides of the story.  But since I'm a reporter
for a fake news publication with no ambitions of ever
winning the Pulitzer Prize, I'm not going to let something
like journalistic ethics get in my way.  So I told the
manager straight up: "You can take my rubles and shove
'em!"

The CompUSSR Chief Comrade was unavailable for comment at
press time; his phone line is only reachable with a
Sprint(R)-brand cellphone, which Humorix is too cheap to
buy for their reporters.

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