[humorix] Filler Material: Lawyers, AOL, Cloning

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Filler Material: Lawyers, AOL, Cloning
January 29, 2003

Editor's Note: Several members of the Humorix staff have
contracted a severe case of writer's block, a serious
affliction that can last for days and causes victims to
stare into space in front of their text editors for hours
without coming up with one single original idea.
Thankfully, we have a stockpile of emergency filler
material to use during such a crisis.  We apologize
in advance for... uh... ummm... well... er... Oh crap,
I've come down with it too!


* Lawyers Banned From eBay

SILLYCON VALLEY, CA -- In a move designed to stem the tide
of frivolous lawsuits, eBay has announced that "lawyers,
attorneys, solicitors, barristers, and any other members of
the bar" will no longer be allowed to use the company's
auction service.

"Our research shows that lawyers are ten times more likely
to file a bogus lawsuit than any other group," said an eBay
press release announcing the new policy.  "Therefore, we
consider this group to be an extreme liability and we have
decided to no longer conduct business with them."

As could be expected, 13.2 nanoseconds after the
announcement, 15 different lawsuits had been filed against
eBay, claiming that the auction company was engaged in
predatory discrimination against lawyers that resulted in
the trampling of their civil rights.

"It's not fair to single out lawyers just because of a few
bad apples -- or even a few hundred thousand bad apples,"
explained one attorney who hopes to turn his case into a
class-action lawsuit encompassing every lawyer in the
country."

An eBay spokesperson issued a terse reponse, saying,
"Insurance companies are within their legal right to deny
coverage to individuals they deem 'high-risk'.  In much the
same way, our mathematical calculations clearly show that
lawyers, attorneys, shysters, et al, are all high-risk
customers.  So there!"


* Time Warner Attempts To Spin Off AOL For $126.23

SOMEWHERE -- Citing the fact that people are starting to
realize that America's Only Line (AOL) sucks, the board of
AOL Time Warner voted last week to split the company in two
and sell the AOL unit to any buyer willing to spend
US$126.23, the estimated market value of the company.

So far, however, the offer has failed to attract any
serious buyers.

"For years, AOL's whole multi-billion dollar business model
revolved around convincing newbie computer users that
'You've Got Mail!' was the height of technological
innovation," explained one industy analyst.  "Those days
are over, and now AOL has nothing to show for itself."

While AOL's subscriber base has reached the 30 million
mark, potential buyers feel threatened by the company's bad
karma, negative reputation, and financial instability.

"I finally reached the conclusion that it's just not worth
it," explained Bob, a fourteen-year-old lemonade stand
entrepreneur who had saved up just enough money to buy
AOL.  

"At first it seemed like a bargain..." he said.  "But then
I looked at AOL's earnings report today and realized just
how much money they lost in the last quarter.  My lemonade
stand is a low-budget operation, but with $50 in sales last
year, it has turned a far greater profit than AOL, thank
you very much.  I'll pass on this deal."

Another prospective buyer backed out of a deal because of
the company's reputation.  "AOL is about as hip as disco,
pogs, and Beanie Babies," she said.  "Let's face it, AOL is
*so* 1999."


* Bill Gates Speaks Out Against "Software Cloning"

REDMOND, WA -- During his first annual "State of the
Windows" speech delivered via satellite hookup to millions
of Microserfs earlier today, Microsoft figurehead Bill
Gates came out strongly against "software cloning" by
humans.  

"The practice of cloning -- or copying -- software is
unethical, immoral, and a clear violation of God's law,"
Gates said.  "We must not permit this injustice to happen
anywhere."

"Cloned software lacks technical support," he continued. 
"It lacks documentation.  It lacks Certificates of
Authenticity.  In short, it doesn't have a soul and should
never have been created."

He also took the opportunity to chastise open source
leaders for producing software that is designed to be
cloned.  "The sheer number of half-baked, half-finished
open source projects polluting the Internet clearly
demonstrates the inferior nature of cloned software.  With
each successive copy, the quality decreases."

"Peaceful methods to convince people to stop using cloned
open source software have proven fruitless," Gates said. 
"It's time for action. If that means we have to declare war
against the fruitcake Communists engaged in this vile,
inhumane practice, then so be it..."

--
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