[humorix] Judge Holds Microsoft In Contempt Of Court

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Judge Holds Microsoft In Contempt Of Court
January 23, 2003

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When a Federal judge sided with Sun
Microsystems and ordered Microsoft to include Java with
upcoming versions of Windows, Microsoft's legal team
announced that the company would fully comply with the
order.

The problem, however, is that everybody's favorite software
monopoly has a slightly different notion of what "Java"
means.  Earlier today Microsoft joined forces with
everybody's favorite coffee monopoly to comply with the
court order by bundling free samples of Starbucks Java with
each copy of Windows.

Both Sun Microsystems and the court judge were not
amused.  

Enraged by Microsoft's flaunting of the court order, the
judge found the company in contempt of court and ordered
that one of Microsoft's representatives, Clippit the
Dancing Paper Clip, be held in prison until the company
comes into compliance with the order.

"Any idiot could plainly see that I was talking about Sun
Microsystem's Java(R) Virtual Machine, not Starbuck's
Triple Cappachimochalattespresso Deluxe coffee!" ranted the
judge while a bailiff escorted Clippit to Cellblock 3.
"This is so ludicrous that even the webmaster of a
low-budget humor website wouldn't dare imagine something
this unbelievable!"

It's not entirely clear who at Microsoft came up with the
idea of bundling coffee instead of Java with Windows.  The
most likely suspect, the Vice President of Court  Order
Compliance, was out of town during the whole debacle.   "I
was in California settling that state's tyrannical billion
dollar class-action lawsuit against us," he said.  "This
wasn't my doing."

Another potential culprit, the Chief Executive of Cutting
Off Competitors' Air Supply, also pleaded innocence. 
"Sure, it was my idea to bundle a crippled, watered-down
out-of-date Java VM with Windows and then blame Sun
whenever nothing worked right on it.  But flagrantly
violating a court order only hurts us, not Sun."

Regardless of who issued the command to stick out the
company's proverbial middle finger at the judge, Clippit
the Dancing Paper Clip is now sitting in a prison cell,
annoying the jailor with questions like, "I see you are
trying to execute an inmate. Would you like help with this
operation?"

"This is the first time we've had an animated character in
our prison and I hope it's the last," said warden Sally
Terry Kuhnfinemint. "He keeps jumping around all over the
cell asking if I need any help. For the millionth time, I
don't need any [expletive] help!  I would shoot the little
bastard, but 'cliparticide' is a Class A felony in this
state."

If Microsoft doesn't comply with the order within 120 days
-- for real this time -- the judge has threatened to lock
up other Microserfs, including the Internet Explorer 'e'
logo (no real loss there), Bob of Microsoft Bob fame
(again, no real loss), Dr. Watson (Windows can crash just
fine without him), and "Arthur", the animated king featured
in Freecell (whatever).

In a pre-emptive strike, the judge also said that Microsoft
can't get by with shipping the Java VM under some obscure
folder of the Windows CD like "\Misc\Worthless Stuff\Filler
Material\Sun Sucks\Clicking On This Folder Voids The
Windows EULA\Proceed At Own Risk\Java\".

At press time, we haven't received word on whether
Microsoft will fully comply with the new order.  "Who cares
about some annoying animated fictional characters?" asked
one industry observer.  "Microsoft won't have any
motivation to comply until the judge starts throwing some
annoying  *real* people in jail -- like the entire
Microsoft legal or marketing teams.  Without those people,
the company would fold overnight."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/