[humorix] God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

God and MPAA Denounce Human Genome Decoding
By Jason Simpson, public_class_name_extends_me@yahoo.com
January 22, 2003

The MPAA now has God on its side, claiming that
applications such as DeCSS and the Human Genome Project
grossly violate several clauses of the Digital Millennium
Copyright Act. 

According to God, technology capable of decoding the human
genome could make it easier to clone or redistribute
certain copyrighted individuals. "While you may physically
own the cells themselves," God said, "You do not own the
DNA code on them."

A high ranking executive working in the motion picture
industry, who wishes only to be indentified as Adam,
projects financial losses due to these types of decoders
could be dire. He went on to illustrate the figures. "I net
roughly 5 million dollars annually. My living expenses are
kept at about 1.5 million annually. Having another me
around would double my living expenses to 3 million, but
since I basically don't do anything, my overall
productivity, and hence annual salary, would not increase
at all."

"We have done research and our experts suggest that, once
decoded, movies or DNA could be 'shared' on a peer-to-peer
network." Adam said. "For all I know, an exact 'genetic'
twin or duplicate of me could then be illegally downloaded
by millions from some web site in South America or Eastern
Europe. This is a family oriented industry. Just think of
the impact this could have on family oriented holidays. My
mother can only make so much stuffing, you know."

Meanwhile, God is working on stronger encryption techniques
which "cannot be hacked by humans." According to God, "I
basically have to find an algorithm which humans -- even
with the aid of computers -- are incapable of
understanding." God has already shown that he is capable of
creating the universe in only 3 lines of perl code. (The
original was in COBOL and hard to maintain.)

Organizations such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation
(EFF) and the rest of humanity feel that the MPAA is being
unreasonable and that God is only taking  their side due to
poorly negotiated contracts. Members of the EFF and the
rest of humanity feel that the Human Genome Project would
revolutionize advances in medicine and benefit mankind as a
whole.

Adam defends the MPAA, "It's not that we don't want to
benefit mankind as a whole. We just don't think benefitting
mankind as a whole should be free. The Matrix has probably
been the most influential innovation in history since
Guttenberg's printing press. But The Matrix cost millions
to produce. We're not making bibles to hand out. What are
we, the Gideons?"

God also offered a stern warning. "Radical new technologies
always come at a price. A single adenine - thymine mismatch
can be a DNA catestrophe. Just look at the printing press
and the proliferation of the misprint and the typo. In the
previous paragraph, you don't even know if you should spell
the inventor's name 'Gutenberg' or 'Guttenberg'. I hope the
irony is not lost on you mortals."

--
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