[humorix] Congress Imposes Flat-Rate "Victim Fee" On Music Companies

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Congress Imposes Flat-Rate "Victim Fee" On Music Companies
January 21, 2003

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- One day, Congress absolutely loves
Hollywood, passing the Sonny Bono Copyright Extension Act
2, extending all copyrights "for one bajillion years or
until the world ends, whichever comes first."  The next
day, Hollywood comes under the crosshairs of Senators
looking for an easy scapegoat and a quick way to raise
money.

This time, the scapegoat is the music industry for
producing music with violent lyrics.  "These evil studios
are engaging in theft -- they are stealing the innocence
from our beloved children!  Won't somebody please think of
the children?" testified the founder of the Coalition Of
Outraged, Over-Protective Parents Demanding That Somebody
Please Think Of The Children.

Earlier today, the Senate passed a bill requiring all music
companies to pay a flat rate "victim fee" every time they
release a song.  The proceeds from this "fee" (don't dare
call it a "tax"!) will go into a trust fund set up for
victims of crimes inspired by violent music lyrics.  In
addition, the bill requires that any record label accused
of producing violent lyrics must immediately reveal the
names, addresses, and social security numbers of all of the
lyricists and composers employed by the company. These
people will be placed on a national Violent Music Offender
List until they prove their innocence.

During a Congressional hearing, a member of the Coalition
of Outraged Parents testified how her son became the victim
of violent lyrics.  "He was bullied at school by a bully
who in turn had an abusive father that was set off by a
particularly violent rap song on the radio one day.  When
will the insanity end?"

The member of the RIAA invited by Congress to give the
usual token rebuttal said, "This isn't fair!  Why should
every music company pay a flat fee for every song even if
those songs don't contain any violent lyrics?"

A Senator replied, "So you admit then that some songs do
contain violent, harmful lyrics that are destroying our
children?"  The RIAA representative hesitated, adjusted his
tie, and replied in a whimper, "Uh oh, I've been led into a
trap..."  

Later, when asked about the Violent Music Offender List,
the RIAA lackey responded, "This isn't fair! Whatever
happened to innocent until proven guilty?"

This provided the perfect opportunity for the Senator to go
in for the kill.   "So you admit that some music writers
might be found guilty of writing violent, harmful lyrics
that are destroying our children?"  The RIAA rep whimpered,
"Uh, well, um, *cough*, uhh... I've been trapped again... I
really need to find a new line of work..."

The proposed bill still must face approval in the House,
but many pundits expect that it will easily pass.  "Sure,
the majority of Senators and Representatives are in the
back pockets of Hollywood interests, but they still have to
show some kind of resistance in order to appease their
constituents back home that believe we're all going to hell
in a handbasket."

Geeks we interviewed had mixed feelings about the bill. 
Said one Slashdot regular, "Well, this serves the RIAA
right for arguing that all Internet users are pirates -- if
that's true, then we have the right to say that all RIAA
executives are evil vermin conspiring to drown society in a
bloody orgy of death and destruction.  But I hate to see
the First Amendment slashed yet again -- at this rate, the
Bill of Rights will have more holes in it than Windows
security."

Another person said, "I read somewhere that the average
person sees several hundred thousand murders on TV and
movies during their childhood. I haven't gone on a bloody
rampage yet, but I could.  Somebody should compensate me
for this!  If smokers can get big cash settlements from
tobacco companies for lung cancer, then couch potatoes
should get big cash settlements from the MPAA for mental
anguish... I'm a victim, somebody give me money!"

RIAA chairman Bill "Everybody Is A Pirate Except Me"
Thornen was unavailable for comment at press time.

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