[humorix] Nobody Signs Up For Telemarketers' Please-Do-Call List

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Nobody Signs Up For Telemarketers' Please-Do-Call List
January 8, 2003

In an embarassing blow to the telemarketing and
teleannoying industries, a trade group announced today that
not one person has registered for its "please-do-call"
opt-in list.  

"We figured that hordes of people would want to receive
fabulous offers on credit cards and incredible deals on
carpet-cleaning services," explained Anne Oying, chairwoman
of the National Association Of Bottom Feeding Marketers. 
"But that hasn't happened."

The failure of the program isn't from a lack of trying. 
Last month the NABFM placed thousands of unsolicited
telemarketing calls to people across the country asking if
they would like to be placed on the please-do-call list at
no charge, enabling them to receive "exclusive bargain
offers on everything from laundry detergent to sex-change
operations."  

"Too many people think that telemarketers are heartless
vultures engaged in a conspiracy to call unsuspecting
victims at the worst possible time, such as dinner," Ms.
Oying said.  "That's a lie.  We're human too, we have
families, we have bills to pay, we have feelings.  Every
time I get a death threat, that really hurts."

Similar efforts by junk mailers and spammers to create
opt-in lists have been more successful, but not much.  The 
Society of Law-abiding International Marketing Experts
(SLIME), a trade association of junk mailers, recently
conducted a study that showed 99% of the people who signed
up for the group's "please-inundate-me-with-paper" list had
fireplaces or wood-burning stoves in their homes which were
fueled with the junk mail.

"Almost everybody who signed up for our 'Special VIP
Platinum Loyal Customer Mail Offers' program burned the
junk mail they received to save on energy costs.  This is a
form of stealing!" fumed Kahn R. Teest, vice president of
SLIME.  "Don't they realize that it costs us money to send
out 'special invitations' and 'you might already be a
winner!' mailings?" 

Likewise, attempts by the Nigeria-based "South African
Shady Financial Investments Association" to compile an
opt-in list of email addresses has been less than stellar. 
At first, the association was ecstatic when it seemed that
nearly 100,000 people had signed up to receive "exciting
business proposals" from Nigeria.  However, closer
inspection revealed that virtually all of the email
addresses were owned by spammers and telemarketers from
across the world, which were added to the list by
pranksters, disgruntled 419 scam victims, and various
anti-spam crusaders.

The Vice Secretariat Minister of SASFIA said in an email, 
"I AM MOST TROUBLED BY THIS DEVELOPMENT,we only want to
form business partnerships with Americans so we can share
in wealth that would otherwise be squandered. We will not
tolerate this fraud."  The email was signed, "Eng.Kumalo
Diliza B.Eng.{SAU} M.Eng,MNIM,PHD."  A postscript said, "If
you would like to participate in deal involving US$14.4
million of overinvoiced money that must be exported from
Nigeria right away, please send fax to 0031-641 075 328."
--
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