[humorix] Hollywood Cracks Down On "Music Leaks"

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Hollywood Cracks Down On "Music Leaks"
December 17, 2002

BARSTOW, CA -- It's 7:31 PM and Special RIAA Enforcement
Agent Gus Toppoh hits the pavement armed with his hand-held
sound meter.  This night he's investigating a house at 151
Pleasant Pine Grove Hill Estates Road that, according to
one anonymous informer, has been playing loud, copyrighted
music at night  without a public performance license.  Sure
enough, at 1,000 feet away, his meter detects music at a
decible level that far exceeds the legal limit.  It's time
to crash the party.

Such investigative legwork has been increasingly common as
the RIAA and other paranoid industry-trade groups have
ramped up their efforts to stop music "leaks".

"Well, it's obviously theft," said Agent Toppoh just before
busting down the door of the house.  "Because of the
illegally high volume level, everybody in this neighborhood
can enjoy the music without paying for it.  If you look at
any CD case, the End Peon License Agreement clearly states
that the music shall only be used for the personal
enjoyment of exactly one person.  If anybody else in the
vicinity can hear it, then you're in violation of the
license, unless you purchase additional CDs or beg for a
public performance license."

During the night, Toppoh busted 13 people for deliberately
"leaking" music protected by intellectual property law. 
One mall that played Christmas music over its loudspeakers
without the express written permission of the RIAA (they
only had vague oral permission from a music store employee)
now faces a $400K fine.  A CompUSSR store manager was fined
for tuning his floor-model televisions to MTV, allowing
customers to listen to music videos without paying any
royalties.  (The manager argued that MTV doesn't play music
videos anyway, but Toppoh was unconvinced.  "Stranger
things have happened," he said while writing the citation.)

One person was even busted for whistling a tune from a 1974
song while walking down a sidewalk, in plain hearing of
several people.  "It's a public performance of a
copyprotected song," Gus Toppoh said.  "I have to write a
ticket."

Meanwhile, the owner of an office tower managed to escape
serious punishment when Agent Toppoh came calling.  "I
assumed the musak playing in the elevators was a
violation," Toppoh said, "but it turned out that the owner
did indeed have a license.  But I still issued a verbal
warning because it took him five minutes to find the
contract in his safe, a severe waste of my precious time."

"All in all, it's a tough job," he said while cruising down
the highway, his eyes watching the series of microphones
mounted on his car that continually search for stray waves
of copyrighted music.  "But I love it.  It's all about
stopping pirates and thieves from bankrupting the music
industry and protecting our Constitutional right to
innovate.  Now if you'll excuse me, my sensors detect an
illegal broadcast of 'Happy Birthday' coming from this
church..."

--
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