[humorix] Finally, A Solution To The Lawyer Problem

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Finally, A Solution To The Lawyer Problem
December 3, 2002

What's the difference between a flea and a lawyer? Mankind
has invented flea collars, but there's no such thing as
lawyer repellent.

Until now.  Everybody that has a fear of being sued will be
interested in the new invention of New Jersey resident Dr.
Lou Peemind.  The inventor claims that his anti-lawyer
spray is "97.5% effective against lawyers and other
blood-seeking animals such as sharks, weasels, and
vultures."

According to Dr. Peemind, the anti-lawyer spray contains
chemicals that fool lawyers into thinking that you are dirt
poor -- but incredibly smart.  

"A good lawyer will never take a case against somebody that
doesn't have much money.  What good is winning a
multi-million dollar settlement if the defendant is living
in the YMCA?" Peemind explained. "My patent-pending
chemical makes the wearer smell... well, poor... and
financially uninteresting."

Meanwhile, lawyers don't like to tangle with people that
have keen knowledge of the legal system and know the
meaning of key phrases in Latin, the language that
attorneys have unsuccessfully tried to keep secret.  The
anti-lawyer spray creates the illusion that the wearer is
"the world's smartest geek that has memorized every page in
Black's Law Dictionary and who won't be fooled by cheap
legal tricks and maneuvers."

This reporter pointed out that Peemind's lawyer repellent
is suspiciously similar to the "bully repellent" featured
on an episode of The Simpsons.  The inventor responded,
"Well, every single idea known to mankind has been featured
on The Simpsons -- or South Park, or both.  I'm not too
worried about getting sued... after all, I have my
anti-attorney spray..."

Dr. Peemind wasn't able to produce any scientific proof
that his lawyer repellent actually repels lawyers, but he
did point out, "I haven't been sued yet since I invented
it!"  He continued, "I'm confident this chemical will
cause lawyers to think twice before filing a lawsuit
against you.  There's no guarantee, of course, since
lawyers -- like wild animals -- are totally unpredictable,
but this is better than nothing."

We talked to one ex-lawyer who seemed highly skeptical that
a lawyer repellent is possible.  "The presence of some odor
wouldn't cause me to radically alter my behavior.  You
simply can't force people to start behaving irrationally
just because you present them with harmless chemicals... By
the way, would you happen to know of a good hangover
remedy?  I had a little too much to drink last night and I
don't even remember how I got home..."

Our own legal counsel, Mr. Noah Morals, also seemed
doubtful. "I didn't become the number 22nd lawyer in this
city without a keen sense of intuition into who I should
sue and who I should leave alone.  I'll be able to smell
right through this gimmick..."

We will find out soon enough whether this invention
represents the best defense against the dreaded
Lawyerclysm, or yet another false hope available at the
retail price of $19.95 per bottle. It should be available
at finer stores (and not-so-fine stores) not near you
within the next six months.

--
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