[humorix] Microsoft: Would You Like Fries With That?

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft: Would You Like Fries With That?
October 8, 2002

REDMOND, WA -- While digging through a trash barrel, a
member of the Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) uncovered a
document detailing Microsoft's proposed pricing scheme for
future versions of Windows.  The document, which features
large labels saying "CONFIDENTIAL", "NOT TO LEAVE MICROSOFT
CAMPUS", and "Do NOT throw in trash cans that pesky
journalists have been known to dig through", describes an
ambitious Microsoft plan to separate more fools from their
money.

Under this plan, every single component of Windows (and
other Microsoft "solutions") will cost extra.  The core
Windows system (consisting of the splash screen, a couple
EXEs, some DLLs, and the BSOD) will cost one price, while
everything else must be purchased ala carte.  In
particular, the base system will not contain any security
mechanisms whatsoever; anybody who doesn't want their
system to be turned into a DDOS zombie 5.2 seconds after
going online will need to also pay for the "Fries" module
(an acronym for "Fries Really Increases & Enhances
Security").

Fries, however, only provides basic security.  When
Microsoft says "basic", they mean "it can be easily
bypassed by hitting ESCAPE three times at any password
prompt".  For maximum security (if such a concept is
possible using a Microsoft product), users will need to
purchase 36 additional modules while keeping track of all
of the accompanying End User License Agreements for each.

Other extraneous tools, such as the Start Menu, Control
Panel, Command Prompt, FAT32 Filesystem, and Explorer, will
all need to be purchased as add-ons under Microsoft's
revised pricing scheme. The only thing that will come
bundled free with the core Windows system is Solitaire --
and that's the version rigged so that nobody can beat it
(the real, unrigged version costs extra).  Oops, we almost
forgot: Windows will also come bundled free with
"PJNWJFPKJ04.DLL" (the name doesn't mean anything). This
program monitors all of your keystrokes and mouse movements
and funnels the data back to Microsoft and the FBI... for
your protection, AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!

Meanwhile, the intercepted document reveals that users will
have to purchase additional licenses for each CPU in their
system.  Microsoft, of course, has defined "CPU" in such a
way that the controllers on video cards, modems, and other
peripherals all count towards the total number of CPUs. If
anybody asks, Microsoft will argue that all of these "CPUs"
are being driven (directly or indirectly) by the Windows
code and that running multiple copies of Windows code
simultaneously with only one license is a form of piracy.

Oops, we almost forgot about another special DLL that will
also come bundled with Windows for free.  This program
("LK4LKHJPOQ.DLL", another meaningless name) watches your
keystrokes and builds up a profile of each user based on
their typing style.  For instance, the program will know
when a different user sits down at the keyboard based on
their typing speed, whether they use the left or right
SHIFT keys more frequently, how often they correct mistakes
with BACKSPACE, and other variables.  If the DLL detects
that another user has logged in, Windows will automatically
demand that you purchase an additional license for this
user (allowing two or more people to use a computer with
only one Windows license is, after all, a form of piracy).

The industry pundits we interviewed all dismissed
Microsoft's proposed pricing scheme.  "Only Humorix would
be able to take a wet, half-shredded 10-page document found
in a trash can and turn it into a major story," one
observer observed.  

"You can't read too much into this," another pundit
pundited.  "I'm not going to get too worried about this
until I hear a Microserf actually ask, 'Would you like
security with that order of Windows?' or 'Would you like to
supersize your Excel?'  Until then, this is just another
example of mindless Humorix paranoia."  He later added in a
hushed voice, "...But just the same, I'm sticking with
Linux."

--
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