[humorix] Step Away From That TV And Nobody Gets Brainwashed

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Step Away From That TV And Nobody Gets Brainwashed
Jon Splatz, Humorix Pundit and Social Commentator
September 23, 2002

It never fails.  Just as soon as I spend a bunch of money
on a new toy, something goes horribly wrong.  Last week, I
purchased a shiny new TiVo so I could enjoy the new fall TV
season.

Big mistake.  After watching the pilot episodes of several
new series, I puked three times and suffered a mild heart
attack. My blood pressure has increased to such a
catastrophic level that my doctor told me, "If you get
within 100 feet of a television again, you're toast."

And when you see the new TV shows that Hollywood has
produced this year, you'll feel exactly the same way.

Take, for instance, the new SeeBS show "CSI: Hollywood". 
In this Orwellian brainwashing special, the investigators
that work for CSI (Copyright Special Investigators)
investigate acts of piracy that harm movie industry
executives and their beloved children that go hungry
because daddy got fired after his studio declared
bankruptcy because its latest film was copied all over the
Internet (described as the "greatest tool for theft since
the invention of the lock pick").

In the pilot, a 14 year old kid is busted for burning a CD
full of MP3's he downloaded from the evil Net.  The stern
copyright investigator  Mr. Max Lawfulness says, "We have
to stop them while they're young.  One minute they're
burning a harmless CD, the next minute they're the
ringleader of a multinational piracy outfit costing
hardworking musicians billions of dollars per year..."

The second episode isn't any less puke-inducing.  This time
one of those illegal DVD players that can circumvent
region-encoding is found in a landfill; the investigators
spend weeks tracing it back to a suburban housewife who
originally purchased it at Wal-Mart (before it was banned)
but then threw it away after the warranty expired and it
stopped working.  The "pirate" is tossed behind bars and
the CSI folks congratulate themselves on eliminating
another potential "copyright-terrorist" from the streets.

Even the commercials contain the same anti-freedom,
anti-geek doublespeak. One self-styled "Public Service
Announcement" says that if you record even one second of
this show on a PVR without watching a commercial, you're an
EVIL THIEF that has no respect for Capitalism.  Another ad
produced by the DEA (DMCA Enforcement Agency) claims that
copying any form of digital material without express
written permission by the copyright holder is an act that
HURTS THE CHILDREN and HELPS FUND TERRORISM.

And that's just one show on one network.  If you have the
stomach and cardiovascular endurance to continue watching
this trash, it only gets worse.  Another SeeBS show, "The
Copyright Agency", features time-traveling agents that use
patented technology to venture back in time and arrest
wanted criminals before they are able to commit their
crimes.  For instance, in the season premiere, the inventor
of the photocopy machine is hunted down and arrested back
in 1949 before he is able to invent the device that,
according to the show's main character, "is the single
greatest threat to intellectual property ever conceived".  

In a later episode, the hapless Xerox PARC engineer that
develops the first Graphical User Interface -- complete
with copy-and-paste keyboard shortcuts -- is tracked down
and eliminated from the space-time continuum before he can
implement his "anti-copyright theft-enhancing" tool.

Similar brainwashing can be found on the other networks. 
The ABCDisney channel's "8 Simple Rules For Using My
Software" features software company lawyers that draft
cunning End User License Agreements that help foil evil
software pirates and hackers.  In the premiere, a "juvenile
delinquent" that violates a shrinkwrap license by posting a
website criticizing the software is hunted down and given a
stern lecture.  "Violating contracts is not a victim-less
crime... it hurts innocent developers that pour their heart
and soul into producing top-notch innovative software.  And
here come along miscreants like you that think it's okay to
break the rules and that some musty old document produced
in the 1700's gives them the right to make libelous
comments about software and to post benchmarks that cast
trademark-protected products in a less-than-favorable
light.  The insanity must end!"

I will spare you the sordid details of other such TV
offerings as UPN's "Duffy the Pirate Slayer", FOX's
"America's Most Wanted File Traders", and PBS's "Antiques
Roadshow: The accounts and descriptions of the appraisals
on this show may not be dissemenated under any
circumstances, even if you have express written
permission".  

Now, you might think you can get away with turning your TV
off while still getting your entertainment from movies. 
Not true.  According to one of my unreliable anonymous
sources, the MPAA has been giving generous stipends to
movie directors in exchange for making subtle (and
not-so-subtle) changes to their scripts that promote the
idea of copyrights as a funamental human right that trumps
everything else.  While I have no proof of the conspiracy,
this scheme is the only plausible explanation for some of
the sudden script changes that have appeared in
soon-to-be-released movies.

For example, the premise of "The Matrix: Reloaded" has been
radically altered. In the newly rescripted movie, the
Oracle gives a long history lesson explaining that the AI
entities were first invented by mankind to protect the
Internet from copyright violations and illegal software
use.  The Hollywood overlords that created the AI endowed
them with too much power, however, and they started to run
amok and eventually overthrew civilization and made a real
mess of things. The Oracle says, "Now, if the humans of the
21st Century had respected copyrights, none of this would
have happened.  Civilization would not have collapsed and
billions of people and CHILDREN would not have been
murdered."

The plot of "Terminator 3" also features a similar message
sponsored by the MPAA.  While I hate to give away the
ending, my source tells me that Arnold finally stops the
berzerk AI by installing sophisticated DRM software that
prevents it from replicating and destroying the Universe.

I also have it on somewhat good authority that the RIAA has
plans for a similar program of inserting propoganda within
newly released songs.  This strategy, however, might
backfire if these songs are released on copy-protected CDs
that nobody can play.

In previous columns, I've expressed a fear that society
would collapse as the result of the dreaded Lawyerclysm. 
However, it seems copyright holders have beat lawyers to
the punch; we are rapidly hurtling towards the
"Contentclysm" (a term I just made up -- don't worry, it's
not trademarked, so you are free to use this word in your
own speech) in which all content and information is
zealously guarded by multiple layers of protection, thereby
creating a pay-per-use world in which 1% of the population
hoards 99% of the copyrights.

Perhaps I am being pessimestic.  Perhaps both of you
reading this article are rolling your eyes and thinking,
"Geez, this is yet another blatant political statement that
is preaching to the choir.  Isn't this supposed to be a
Linux humor site?  Why are they always whining about
copyright laws?"

Uh oh.  I'm feeling chest pains.  I can't take much more of
this stress; the more I let myself get upset about the
future, the less chance I have of living to see the
future.  

I'm going to stop now before I have another heart attack. 
I can't afford another trip to... the emergency room. 
Must... relax... must... stop pain...

*ACK!*  Too late 'zdfjg34tu dflnkgz
--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/