[humorix] Geeks Desperate For A Microsoft Accounting Scandal

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Geeks Desperate For A Microsoft Accounting Scandal
August 8, 2002

For the past several weeks, Linux longhairs from across the
globe have  been glued to their television sets watching
the financial news while hoping and praying that Microsoft
will join the growing list of corporations embroiled in
accounting scandals.

"I want to be the first to hear the news that Bill Gates is
going to jail," said Eric Pilkington, a Linux zealot who
spends 12 hours a day hacking on half-finished open source
projects and the other 12 hours glued to financial TV
channels.

With the collapse of WorldCom, Enron, Andersen Accounting,
Adelphia, Tyco, and others, many industry observers are
shocked that Microsoft has remained scandal-free and
Congressional-inquiry-resistant.  

"This can't last forever," said one pundit who recently
shorted Microsoft stock.  "We all know their stock options
system is a glorified pyramid scheme designed to avoid
paying Federal income taxes. Eventually it's going to
collapse."

Nevertheless, the absense of Microsoft from the list of
bankrupt companies has sent many geeks into a serious state
of frustration.  "It's been nothing but bad news for the
geek community the past couple years," explained Slashdot
poster #534,634.  "DMCA, UCITA, MPAA, RIAA, SSSCA, ICANN,
BSA... the list of anti-geek acronyms goes on and on.  Oh
please, can't we have at least one piece of good news this
year?"

The problem, of course, is that Microsoft doesn't need to
cook the books to show a profit.  If anything, the company
has probably engaged in reverse-cooking to make themselves
look worse so that the courts and the Department of Justice
will go easy on them in the pending anti-trust case.  "By
deflating their accounting numbers to make it look like
they have competition, Microsoft can avoid the wrath of
Sherman and Clayton while freely continuing on their
wallet-domination plans," said one anonymous pundit who
always happens to show up with a handy quotation.

Other industry observers point out that Enron and friends
probably lost so much money because of their reliance on
Microsoft software with its expensive licensing
requirements.  "Big companies spend gigabucks just to hire
people to manage and track all of their EULAs and COAs. 
That kind of drain will impact even the strongest business.
Expect to see more bankruptcies as other companies trip and
fall over the Microsoft tax..."

Another person we spoke to, however, thought this entire
story was just another thinly-disguised way to bash
Microsoft senseless and wasn't really a proper fake news
article at all.

Well, duh.

--
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