[humorix] New Linux Software Detects Viruses, Windows

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

New Linux Software Detects Viruses, Windows
July 22, 2002

DAWN, TEXAS -- After going face-to-face with the Microsoft
Intellectual Property Auditing Police last year and losing,
Angus Hereford, owner of Hereford's Leather Factory, came
to a decision.  His company was going Microsoft-free.  The
threat of another audit attack was too much; he would
rather fight cryptic half-finished Linux desktop software
than fight conniving, half-insane Microsoft lawyers.

Some of his 152 employees had different ideas, however.  No
matter how hard Mr. Hereford and his IT staff tried, they
couldn't eliminate Microsoft payware from every computer in
the company's offices.  Somebody, late at night, would
always smuggle in a Windows CD and secretly install it on
their computer.

But that's about to change.

Eric Longhorn, the head geek at Hereford's Leather Factory,
has developed a new Linux-based software package that scans
the corporate network looking for the tell-tale signs of
viruses such as Windows.  The program, code-named "Curtains
for Windows", provides 24-hour protection against illicit
Windows installations.

"This is the ultimate protection against viral infections,"
Longhorn boasted.  "If you can eliminate Windows from your
network, then other viruses such as Klez and Sircam no
longer matter.  The problem with today's anti-virus
software is that it only attacks the symptoms, not the root
of the problem... which as we all know, is Windows."

Curtains uses a multi-pronged approach to keeping PCs
Windows-free. First, it modifies the BIOS to detect
attempts by the luser to boot from a Windows CD.  If so,
Curtains will command the CD-ROM drive to spin at the
highest possible speed, and then immediately eject the
disc, sending it flying across the room.  This will likely
destroy the offending disc and prevent the virus from
taking hold.

Next, in the unlikely event that an infection does hold,
Curtain's "Dead Man Switch" prevents the virus from
spreading.  Every few minutes, a Linux daemon running on
every computer broadcasts a signal to all other computers
on the network.  This signal basically says, "I'm a Linux
box.  Don't hurt me!"  If, however, a computer fails to
send this message (presumably because Linux has been shut
down in an attempt to install Windows), the other computers
can remotely disable the infected machine's power supply,
therefore shutting it down and placing it under quarantine
until a geek with an emergency Linux install kit can
arrive.

Finally, Curtains maintains a firewall that filters out all
Word documents and .EXE attachments from e-mail, thus
eliminating another possible vector of infection.  The
software can also scan for all known Linux viruses and
worms, although at present the function
are_linux_viruses_present() consists solely of the line
"return false;".

"With something as potent and dangerous as Microsoft
software, you can't take chances," Curtains developer Eric
Longhorn warned.  "One minute somebody manages to install
Solitaire, the next minute you're on the hook for violating
Microsoft license agreements."

Mr. Longhorn does recall a time when the tables were turned
and geeks would run the risk of getting fired for smuggling
in a Linux box in defiance of the Windows-only policies
enacted by their Pointy Haired Bosses.  "Wow, things have
changed," he reflected.  "Now it's the Windows weenies that
are rebelling against using Linux!"

He added, "Not that I'm complaining or anything..."

--
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