[humorix] Making The Internet Safe For Users, Unsafe For Microsoft

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Making The Internet Safe For Users, Unsafe For Microsoft
July 4, 2002

In a landmark agreement, thousands of script kiddies, warez
d00dz, virus writers, illegal file traders, software
pirates, identity thieves, and evil spammers have decided
to take a hiatus and move to a more redeeming line of work,
at least for a few years.  The unexpected move comes in
response to Microsoft's Palladium (pronounced "You're
Screwed") initiative, which is designed to thwart illegal
activities -- but also many legal activities.

"If the bad guys suddenly drop off the Net, then Microsoft
no longer has a justification for Palladium.  Why would
consumers then fork over root access for their own
computers to Microsoft for no reason?" explained one former
script kiddie who, for the first time in years, is speaking
in plain English.

While not everybody has signed off on the hiatus, the level
of spam, denial of service attacks, virus infections, and
other annoyances should drop considerably in the coming
weeks.  Meanwhile, the amount of illegal file trading will
also plummet (with the exception of RIAA executives posting
fake songs to P2P networks), which will seriously frustrate
those Congressmen who will no longer be able to push
through the anti-Internet laws that Hollywood has already
bought and paid for.

Several former crackers have already obtained more
traditional jobs in the Real World, such as running pyramid
schemes or becoming "financial experts" that receive payola
to hype stocks  like WorldCon or Endrun.  "Not only do I
make more money this way," said one ex-virus-writer who now
practices insurance fraud, "But now I'm fighting to make
the Net a more hostile place for Microsoft's world
domination schemes."  He then added, "Back when I wrote
viruses, the only people that profited from my toil and
trouble were the anti-virus software vendors.  With folks
like me now turning to more productive activities, these
companies will quickly go out of business.  Oh, darn!"

It's not clear who first proposed the idea of a voluntary
halt of online criminal activity, but the plan quickly
spread via IRC, Usenet, and email, and many people agreed
without hesitation.  "Microsoft is our number one enemy
now," an ex-domain-name-hijacker said.  "If Palladium comes
to pass, the only thing we'll be able to do is hand over
our money to Bill Gates -- everything else will require
explicit authorization from Microsoft."

However, not everybody is convinced that Palladium
represents the total elimination of online freedom.  Argued
one pundit, "Remember Xenix?  Microsoft Profit? Bob? 
Chrome?  If Microsoft could make software as good as they
make vaporware, then Windows wouldn't suck and the world
would be a much better place.  Palladium is doomed to
become yet another forgotten vaporous buzzword."

--
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