[humorix] Quit Stealing My Identity!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Quit Stealing My Identity!
Guest Editorial by John Doe
June 15, 2002

I thought I could beat the system.  I thought I could
outsmart Big Brother, Big Evil Corporations, and my
relatives.  I thought I could put an end to telemarketers,
junk mail, spam, and privacy invasions.  

Last year, I legally changed my name to John Doe, relocated
to a small town in Ohio (zip code 44444) and moved into a
house at 123 Fake Street.  I figured that government,
corporations, and other privacy-invading bad guys would
automatically drop such a bogus-sounding name and address
from their databases.

But it hasn't worked out like I planned.

I didn't count on the sheer number of people that supply
fake personal information when registering online.  I
didn't anticipate that thousands of people would claim to
be "John Doe" at "123 Fake Street" in "Newton Falls, OH 
44444" when filling out forms at yet another dotcom
company.  

As a result, my name and address have been entered into
every single database of personal information within the
entire country.  Every person that has ever claimed to be
"John Doe" at "123 Fake Street" has inadvertantly stolen my
identity.

I get 20 pounds of junk mail per day.  Two weeks ago, the
neighborhood postman requested a transfer to another city
after he had thrown his back out five times delivering my
mail.  Meanwhile, I receive telemarketing "courtesy" calls
approximately every 3.2 minutes at my phone number,
222-2222, although I now leave that phone off the hook and
use another unlisted number for real calls (but even that
line gets several unwanted calls per day).

Credit card companies have sent me enough "pre-approved"
card offers during the past year that, if I accepted all of
them, I would instantly have a credit limit of over 10
million dollars.  You don't even want to know how much spam
I get -- my last ISP nearly went out of business adding new
bandwidth to handle my email volume.

I happen to know somebody who works at the New York Times. 
He once told me that 10,352 people had registered on their
website under the name "John Doe", and 513 of them entered
had also entered the address "123 Fake Street".  That
hurts.  Unfortunately, these obviously bogus accounts have
never been deleted from their database.  One time I
received 513 copies of the same junk mail letter
advertising new subscription rates.

This insanity must end.  Please -- for all four of you that
will read this -- tell your friends to stop using my
identity when registering online.  If you must lie about
yourself, be creative.  Invent your own unique fake
identity and leave people like me alone. All of the "John
Does", "Bob Smiths", "Bill Johnsons", "Joe Williams", "Mike
Browns", and "Anon E. Musses" of the world will thank you
for it.

--
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