[humorix] Internet Paralyzed By Surge Of Microsoft Word Documents

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Internet Paralyzed By Surge Of Microsoft Word Documents
June 3, 2002

SILLYCON VALLEY -- An unexpected flood of Microsoft Word
email attachments during the past month has brought
countless routers and mail servers to their knees. 
Accoring to research by the Vast Spy Network(tm), 95% of
these documents are being sent by desperate college
graduates frantically searching for a job in the tight job
market before Bubba from the student loan office tracks
them down.  Since many Pointy Haired Bosses require job
applications and resumes to be sent in Microsoft Word
format, a horde of Computer Science grads have unleashed a
tidal wave of .doc files that have surpassed the bandwidth
wasted by spam, email viruses, and the Slashdot Effect
combined.

"I've never seen anything like it," explained one Human
Resources weasal at Excelizon Synamics, Inc., a consulting
firm that only uses Microsoft products (last month, one
employee got canned for having the audacity to use a
Macintosh at home, a clear violation of company policy). 
"Our Exchange server has crashed several times per hour
under the strain of multi-megabyte Word documents that only
contain two-page resumes."  She added, "We've only had one
job opening in the past month and yet 10,623 frantic
graduates have applied. What a mess."

A combination of a slugging tech industry, high
unemployment, and extreme rates of procrastination among
college students has prompted a huge number of graduates to
enter the workforce not working.   "From hacking on Perl
scripts or writing diatribes about the RIAA, your typical
college student doesn't have time to devote to something
trivial like finding a job," explained one industry
observer who is currently "between jobs".

Many Linux longhairs have come to the realization that they
can't get a job unless they sell their soul to Bill Gates. 
First, they have to install Windows and Microsoft Office at
home so they can send off their resumes in the requisite
Word format (oh, the humanity!).  Next, if they get an
interview, they have to spout off vast quantities of
buzzwords and other PHB-speak to impress the interviewer. 
Finally, once employed, they have to sit in a tiny cubicle
stuck with only Microsoft products like LookOut! and (oh,
the horror!) PoorPoint with absolutely no hope of Linux or
even Macintosh coming to the rescue.

"It's tough," said one college graduate who had to break
down and do the unthinkable: get a MCSE certification.  "At
least I landed a job, but now I feel so dirty.  Microsoft
has claimed victory over another former Linux idealist who
has now reluctantly entered the Windows workforce."

However, some businesses have started to rethink their
Word-only policy as a result of all of the server crashes. 
"If Exchange could deliver email as well as Outlook
delivers viruses, we wouldn't have any trouble," said a
former Linux kernel hacker who now works as a Windows 2000
system administrator at one of the five dot-coms that
haven't gone bankrupt yet. "Our Exchange server simply
can't handle the load of so many .doc files. I tried
posting a notice on the company website that we won't have
any job vacancies until 2008, but that strategy hasn't
worked because our IIS webserver is also constantly down."

Last week, when Red Hat posted a job announcement online,
the company received 5,623 inquiries within two hours. 
"The ironic part is that 90% of the mail we received
included Word attachments," said a Red Hat hiring manager. 
"Now why the heck would we hire somebody for a Linux system
administrator position that doesn't know to send a plain
ASCII text file? Thankfully, our Red Hat Enhanced
Enterprise Professional Advantage Plus  distro includes an
anti-virus and anti-Word mail filter that automatically
intercepts and deletes all attachments while sending back a
bounce message that says, "Please don't use Word, it really
makes you look absurd."

--
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