[humorix] Bill Gates And Richard M. Stallman Are The Same Person!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Bill Gates And Richard M. Stallman Are The Same Person!
Glenn Alexander, glenalec@shoalhaven.net.au
May 20, 2002

In fake news so unbelievable it has to be true, intensive
research has revealed that Bill Gates and Richard M.
Stallman are the same person living a bizarre double life!

The first hints picked up by the Vast Spy Network's
open-source grid-enabled globally-distributed
buzzword-compliant neural processor was the fact that 
these two people have never been seen in public together.
The second piece of evidence came when a bored Linux user
found a picture of Bill Gates in an old newspaper and
decided to deface it with a RMS-style beard. "I couldn't 
believe it," she is reported to have said. "Six seconds
with a Crayola and, other than the glasses, you couldn't
tell the difference between the picture in the paper and
the poster of RMS on the wall in the server room next to
the Linus Torvalds shrine."

Our reporter tracked down RMS to a free-software conference
and by chance caught  him leaving with false-beard half
removed and spectacles in place. Apparently  he had to leer
it to a Microsoft board meeting across the country. "Oh,
you  got me," he said. "I guess that slip-up in my
Bill-persona about creating  open-source software was the
give away. I was hoping that baloney I said  immediately
after would confuse and anger people enough that they
wouldn't  think too hard about what it really might mean."

HUMORIX: "H- H- H- How could you?" was all our reporter
managed to get out at first.

RMS/BG: "How could I be RMS? or how could I be Bill Gates?"

HUMORIX: "Well, both."

RMS/BG: "Well, you see. After I got Microsoft off the
ground and doing well,  I realized it was all a mistake. It
was obvious that source wanted to be free and I was the one
who had to do it. But by that time I was locked into a 
corporation and subject to corporate laws. As Bill Gates I
simply can't do anything to damage profits for Microsoft:
I'd get my arse sued right off. So  what was I to do? I had
just been leafing through a first-edition Batman comic and
decided 'why not me?' - mild mannered multibillionaire by
day and crusader for justice the rest of the time. So I
created the persona of  Richard Stallman and set about
creating the GPL and the FSF.

RMS/BG: "I really had no other choice. I couldn't attack
Microsoft from the inside -- at least not overtly -- so I
had to become two people."

By this time our reporter had regained his sharp wits.

HUMORIX: "You mentioned not attacking Microsoft overtly.
Have you been doing anything covertly?"

RMS/BG: "Well, what other explanation do you have for
Windows?!? It was specifically designed to drive people to
use open-source systems. Unfortunately the marketing people
got a bit out of control; it was never meant to become so
popular and I've spent many nights secretly inserting bugs
into the code to try to sabotage the whole operation. (Who
else do you think designed the the Blue Screen of Death?) 
I was very worried I had killed off my own dream of free
software for everybody, but people are finally starting to
see the light."

HUMORIX: "And what will you do now it is all out in the
open?"

RMS/BG: "Oh drat. I forgot about that. It would be a really
big favour if you don't mention this to anyone."

Which is why you won't find this story printed in any other
publication. We trust our three regular readers to keep
their mouths shut!

HUMORIX: "One further question, Mr. Stallman, sorry, Mr.
Gates, oh, whoever you are! Are you aware of any other
people leading a double life like yourself?"

RMS/BG: "I have my suspicions about Linus and Steve Jobs.
Their protective attitudes to their software babies are
_very_ similar. They have been seen together, but that
could have been done with professional actors, clever
make-up, or some kind of reality distortion field. They are
just a bit too antagonistic to eachother to be believed. 
Meanwhile, Apple's transitioning to BSD looks a bit like a
stepping-stone to a fully GPL'd Mac OS using Linux. I'd be
checking the public and university records in Finland to
see if there ever really was a Linus."

--
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/