[humorix] Solving The Virus Problem Once And For All

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Solving The Virus Problem Once And For All
May 7, 2002

ZANESVILLE, OHIO -- System administrators across the globe
have tried installing anti-virus software.  They've tried
lecturing employees not to open unsolicited email
attachments.  They've tried installing firewalls and the
latest security patches. But even with these precautions,
email viruses continue to rank third only to Solitaire and
the Blue Screen Of Death in the amount of lost productivity
they cause.  Meanwhile, Microsoft Exchange and LookOut
remain as the number one virus delivery products on the
market today.

But maybe not for much longer. A group of disgruntled
administrators have teamed up to produce and sell a brand
new way to fight viruses, one that attacks the root of the
problem: stupid users.

Salivating Dogs, Inc. of Ohio has unveiled the "Clue
Delivery System" (CDS), a small device that plugs into the
back of a standard PC keyboard and delivers a mild electric
shock whenever the luser does something stupid. The device
is triggered by a Windows program that detects when the
luser attempts to open an unsolicited email attachment or
perform another equally dangerous virus-friendly action.

"What's great about the Clue Delivery System is that the
device is completely hidden within the keyboard and cannot
be easily disabled," boasted the President of Salivating
Dogs, Inc.  "While electric shock therapy might not be the
most efficient nor the most ethical method to deliver clues
to lusers, we feel that desperate times call for desperate
measures.  Just about every system administrator in the
industry is going to want a whole stack of these things."

The company does have plans to offer a slightly more humane
method of clue delivery.  This upcoming (but still
vaporware) device, known simply as the Idiot Identification
Interface, connects with a company's loudspeaker system and
automatically broadcasts a humiliating message such as "Bob
Smith in Accounting has just opened an email attachment
containing the Klez virus.  What an idiot!".  

Unfortunately, the team responsible for adding macro
capabilities to Microsoft LookOut! was unavailable for
comment at press time. Even more unfortunately, a
spokesperson for the Federal Bureau of Investigation &
Privacy Violations _was_ available for comment at press
time, and he said, "Wow, we at the Bureau would sure love
to get our hands on these and set them up to be remote
activated.  If we could require all new computers to come
preinstalled with these electroshock devices, we could
completely eliminate piracy, hacking, and independent
thought. What a bright future!"

--
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