[humorix] Insurance Company To Offer Microsoft Audit Protection Plans

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Insurance Company To Offer Microsoft Audit Protection Plans
April 22, 2002

LOUDON, TENNESSEE -- Companies, organizations, and
government agencies all across the world are facing a
disaster of epic proportions: the impending invasion of the
Microsoft Intellectual Property Police.  The counter this
menace, Loydds of Loudon, Tennessee, the prestigious
insurance firm, has started to offer "Audit Insurance" to
protect against unexpected "random" audits from everybody's
favorite software monopoly.

"We've received numerous inquiries about this type of
protection," company co-founder Bob Loydds said.  "Your
typical businessman is no longer worried about earthquakes,
fires, or other natural disasters. The big fear of the 21st
Century comes from Redmond in the form of man-made
disasters made by Bill Gates."

Starting next month, Loydds will launch several levels of
audit insurance. The Platinum level of service will insure
corporations for up to $500,000 against Microsoft
disasters.  Under the Silver service plan, Loydds agents
will maintain a database of your Microsoft licenses and
trained representatives and bouncers will be on hand during
any Microsoft "random" audits.   Finally, the Gold plan
offers emergency site-wide Linux deployment in the event of
"Defcon 95", a code-name Lloyds uses for those dire but
increasingly common situations in which an entire company
must ditch all copies of Windows within 30 days to avoid
multi-multi-million dollar audits and lawsuits.

"Loydds will assembly the best license managers and
bouncers the industry offers to protect your business
against Microsoft's lawyers and mobsters," Bob Loydd
boasted.  "If a Microserf starts snooping around your
premises for evidence of non-Microsoft software during a
'random' audit, our bouncers will take care of the
problem.  Our license managers know how to deal with
Microsoft auditors and won't let some hired goon from
Redmond intimidate you into spending millions of dollars
per year for software you don't need."

The insurance firm is currently in negotiations with Red
Hat and other Linux vendors to form the "Red Berets", an
elite squad of Linux geeks trained to rapidly install Linux
and hide all traces of Windows on every computer within an
organization.  During a Defcon 95 emergency, Loydds will
airlift the squadron -- along with several crates of Linux
CDs -- to any position in the country within hours.  The
Red Berets will wipe away all vestiges of Microsoft
software so that when the auditors show up they won't have
anything to audit. After the Microserfs depart, the Red
Beret commandos will return and quickly restore all
computers back to Windows. (The assumption, of course, is
that once companies get a taste of Linux, they won't want
to ever go back.)

Loydds has not yet decided on the premium rates it will
charge for its services.  Preliminary research indicates
that businesses and schools in those states that sued
Microsoft for anti-trust violations are 25% more likely to
be "randomly" audited at lawyerpoint. Likewise, those
states with attorney generals in the back pocket of
Microsoft are far less likely to be invaded by Microsoft's
black unmarked helicopters.  

"When we roll out these insurance plans we'll have a
monopoly on the anti-Microsoft protection market," Bob
Loydds said.  "But don't worry, we'll maintain fair rates
and won't abuse our position."  He added, "Considering all
of the man-centuries that have been wasted by companies
cataloging all of their Microsoft licenses and preparing
for audits, I can't believe nobody has offered this kind of
protection before... I'm gonna get rich from this..."

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