[humorix] Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Grand Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything
April 16, 2002

Since its inception in 1998, Humorix has sponsored a
multi-dozen dollar project to seek out and hire the best
conspiracy theorists from around the globe and allow them
to collaborate in our state-of-the-art 5,000 square feet
conspiracy theory research lab deep within the
sub-sub-basement of Humorix World Headquarters(tm).

We are proud to announce that the Humorix Vast Conspiracy
Theory Research Division(tm) has finally unveiled the most
daring achievement of modern conspiriology: the Grand
Unified Conspiracy Theory Of Everything (GUCTOE).

"We have been able to unify every single known conspiracy
into one elegant theory," explained Mennon Black, head
conspiriologist at Humorix.  "Albert Einstein dedicated
much of his life to finding a Grand Unified Theory that
fully explained the natural laws of the Universe.  He never
reached that point. We, however, have taken a much
different approach and instead only focused on finding a
unified theory of conspiracy theories. We have reached that
point and now know the secret of Everything, although we
are still unclear about Life and the Universe.  We're
pretty sure the answer isn't 42, however."

"The skeptics kept hounding us with skepticism about our
conspiracy research," explained assistant conspiriologist
Mr. N. Saine.  "But now we've proven them wrong.  The good
conspiracy theorists can expand their theories and invent
new ad-hoc hypotheses to explain any contradictory facts or
observations that would otherwise falsify their theories. 
The really good conspiracy theorists -- like us -- can
expand our theories to account for every single conflicting
fact, every single contradictory observation, and every
single competing conspiracy theory ever encountered by
mankind since the dawn of civilization."

Back in 1999, the Humorix conspiracy researchers
successfully united conspiracy theories regarding UFOs and
JFK.  "It seemed natural to join these two field of
conspiriology to produce  TINFOIL-HATS (Theory Integrating
Numerous Flying Object Incidents Likely Having Associations
To Slayings), a  unified theory that explained the JFK
assassination (and other sinister plots) in terms of alien
involvement and a government coverup," Black said.

>From there, the group produced SCREWBALL (Supposition
Connecting Roswell Evidence With Beliefs About Lost
Lieutenants), a unified theory linking the Roswell alien
crash to the string of  military airplane disappearances in
the Bermuda Triangle.  By early 2001, the researchers had
reached DELUSIONS (Direct Evidence Linking UFO Sightings,
Intersteller Oddities, and Natural Selection), a conjecture
that all life on earth was seeded by aliens.

At this point, however, the conspiracy theorists hit a
snag.  "It was simply too much," Mennon Black explained. 
"From ESP to ghosts to to Echelon to Big Brother to UFOs to
astrology to the moon landing hoax to contrails to Area 51
to the Loch Ness Monster to the Illuminati to Microsoft to
Pinky and the Brain to Major League Baseball to cold fusion
to Communists to the New World Order to crop circles to
cattle mutilations to black helicopters to TWA Flight 800
to Senator Fritz Hollings, we simply couldn't keep track of
all the conspiracies."

It was at this point that assistant researcher N. Saine had
a brainstorm.  "What if all the conspiracy theories were
completely wrong?"  From this the group worked long hours
and took even longer coffee breaks and eventually achieved
the holy grail of conspiriology.  

The grand unified conspiracy theory works like this: Every
single _other_ conspiracy theory has been deliberately
crafted by  dark, sinister forces (hereinafter referred to
as "They") and then implanted into society (mostly through
Usenet, but also via FOX, the National Enquirer, and other
prestigious media outlets).  The goal of these contrived
conspiracy theories -- ranging from Roswell to Elvis -- is
to lead us off the track and away from the Truth.

Every minute we watch a FOX special on the moon landing
hoax or an alien autopsy is one less minute we have free to
investigate Them and the Truth. Every minute we spend
speculating on the Orwelling nightmare the FBI and CIA are
leading us towards is one less minute we have available to
ponder the even more sinister nightmare future They are
pushing us towards.  Every minute we debate about Elvis' or
Diana's or JKF's death is one less minute we have to ponder
questions about who They are, what They represent, when
They plan to implement their evil plans, and where They
plan on taking us.  Every minute we complain about the
conspiracy by the MPAA and RIAA to turn the Internet into
pay-per-view television is one less minute to rebel against
the plans drafted by Them to turn the world into a living
hell.  

There's still a few rought spots in the theory to iron out.
"Okay, so we don't know who They are or how They have been
so successful in crafting these conspiracy theories
designed to divert us away from the real conspiracy," Mr.
Black admitted.  "We really don't know what They have in
store for us.  And we certainly don't know how to stop
them. But at least we can start working on those problems
instead of being distracted by mindless paranoia about
contrails or Microsoft Passport..."

Humorix's researchers are scheduled to present their Grand
Unified Conspiracy Theory of Everything at the next meeting
of ConConCon, the Connecticut Conspiracy Convention, to be
held in May.

--
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