[humorix] The SSSCA Doesn't Go Far Enough [long]

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

The SSSCA Doesn't Go Far Enough
March 19, 2002
Rita Rong, Official Microsoft Shill

[Editor's Note: The following is a letter that HumoriXP
sent to the Senate Judiciary Committee[1] in response to
the proposed SSSCA.]

Dear Committee Members:

We here at HumoriXP, a wholly owned independent subsidiary
of Microsoft, would like to express our severe disapproval
for the pending SSSCA.  As written, this bill is extremely
weak, wishy-washy, and lax when it comes to protecing
America's property rights.

We would like to take this opportunity to present our own
revised version of this bill, which we've dubbed the SSSCA
2002.  As you will see, this bill is a much better vehicle
for protecting the children of starving artists, musicians,
and programmers and making the world a better place.

----

SECURE SOFTWARE SYSTEMS FOR THE CHILDREN ACT OF 2002
(Sponsored in part by Microsoft Corp.)

1. WHEREAS Congress finds that the vast majority of
Internet users and entertainment consumers are thieves,
pirates, miscreants, Communists,  hackers, and anarchists,
and that musicians, artists, writers, authors, directors,
actors, programmers and executives are suffering undue harm
as a result, we hereby enact the Secure Software Systems
for the Children Act of 2002 to declare war against
copyright, trademark, patent, and trade secret violations
throughout the world.

2. WHEREAS Congress finds that libraries, public and
private, represent a serious loophole by which consumers
can access copyrighted works at no charge, we hereby
prohibit all libraries from receiving any Federal money or
assistance whatsoever.  Moreover, all foreign aid shall be
indefinitely withheld from those nations harboring
copyright terrorists in the form of taxpayer-supported
librarians.

3. WHEREAS Congress finds that bookstores represent another
venue for reading copyrighted works for free, we hereby
prohibit any bookstore from containing chairs, benches,
tables, or other devices designed for reading books, and
all bookstores must forcibly remove all customers who
linger for more than 30 minutes without purchasing
anything.

4. WHEREAS Congress finds that both the demand and the
supply of infringing material is high, we hereby establish
the Copyright Enforcement Agency (CEA) to be placed under
the control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and
Privacy Violations.   The director of the Copyright
Enforcement Agency shall be appointed for a four year term
by the President with the advice and consent of the
Chairperson of the Motion Picture Association of America.  

4(b). The aforementioned agency shall have the power to
investigate and prosecute all suspected copyright,
trademark, or patent infringers anywhere within the
Universe, who shall be tried by a secret copyright tribunal
of three judges appointed by the Chairperson of the
Recording Industry Association of America.

4(c). Said agency shall also have the power to build,
maintain, and deploy weapons of mass electronic destruction
for the purposes of destroying computer systems in foreign
countries suspected of being used for intellectual property
violations.

5. WHEREAS Congress finds that the term for copyrights,
trademarks, and patents is too short for authors to
effectively squeeze every last ounce of money out of them,
we hereby extend the term of all copyrights, trademarks,
and patents to last until the year 500000 A.D.  Moreover,
the law that prohibits Federal agencies from copyrighting
their products is hereby repealed.

5(b). Any author who wishes to place his copyrighted
material in the public domain or under a so-called "open
source" or "free software" license must first undergo a
complete psychiatric evalution and must also successfully
complete a course entitled "Why Free Software Is For
Communists" to be designed and implemented by the Minister
Of Truth within the Copyright Enforcement Agency.

6. WHEREAS Congress finds that most vendors actively
encourage intellectual property theft by producing products
without appropriate safeguards, we hereby require that,
after January 1, 2003, all manufactuers of electronic
equipment (including but not limited to computers, computer
peripherals, telephones, video cassette recorders, personal
video recorders, televisions, calculators, microwaves, can
openers,  personal digital assistants, toasters, game
consoles, radios, music players, stereo systems,
amplifiers, automobiles, lawn mowers, musical instruments,
and medical devices) must include a so-called "X-Chip" that
enforces intellectual property rights and shuts down the
device when the user attempts to use it in an unlawful
manner.  Said X-Chip must include safeguards against
tampering and hacking and must, where practical, include
Internet access so that its firmware can be automatically
upgraded to reflect future changes in the law.

6(b). Violators of the previous clause shall be fined not
less than $2,300,000 nor more than $1,000,000,000,000,000.

7. WHEREAS Congress finds that the Internet is an
anarchistic environment screaming for appropriate
regulation, we hereby require that, after January 1, 2004,
all users must obtain a license issued by the Copyright
Enforcement Agency before they can legally access the
Internet. The CEA shall only issue licenses to those users
who sign affidavits stating that all electronic equipment
under their ownership meets or exceeds the requirements
stated in Article 6.  

7(b). Agents for the CEA shall have the power to, without
warning, inspect the premises of any user with an Internet
license and take appropriate action if non-compliant
hardware is discovered or if other copyright violations are
observed.

7(c). Internet Service Providers must deploy sufficient
technological safeguard to prevent users without a valid
license from accessing the Internet.  CEA agents shall have
the power to conduct surprise inspections against all ISPs
to enforce this clause.

7(d). The CEA shall not conduct any of the aforementioned
surprise inspections at the same location more than once
per week without written authorization from the Chairperson
of the Business Software Alliance.

8. WHEREAS Congress finds that a highly educated citizenry
is less likely to enjoy the low-quality material currently
produced by the content industry, thus reducing the profit
and tax revenue generated by Hollywood, we hereby prohibit
any public or private school from holding back
underperforming students, and require that said students be
pushed through the system regardless of their reading or
cognitive ability or lack thereof.  Henceforth, no
pro-reading or literacy program shall receive Federal
funding in any form whatsoever.

9. WHEREAS Congress finds that the so-called "Fair Use
Doctrine" represents a gaping loophole by which infringers
can get away with their crimes, we hereby abolish any law,
court precedent, or other regulation that contains a Fair
Use exception.  This clause shall apply retroactively back
to 1923.

10. WHEREAS Congress finds that domain name squatting
continues to be a widespread problem, we hereby require
that, in any court or arbitration case involving a domain
name dispute, the party with the largest bank account shall
automatically win without exception.

11. WHEREAS Congress finds that the Internet encourages the
spread of misinformation and mistruths, we hereby prohibit
any Internet user from posting a comment, composing an
e-mail, or producing a website that contains content that
criticizes, disparages, or attacks any or all of this Act,
or any other Federal act or regulation relating to
copyright enforcement, without exception.

12. WHEREAS Congress finds that the content industry
requires special First Amendment protections, we hereby
exempt any content industry trade association and their
member corporations from any and all Campaign Finance
Reform laws or regulations that have been or will be
enacted by Congress.

13. WHEREAS Congress finds that previous copyright laws are
too lenient toward violators, we hereby decree that any
person who is found guilty of violating any clause within
this Act shall be required to register with their local
government as a "copyright offender" and erect a permanent
sign in their front yard that says "A Communist lives
here", "I'm a no-good copyright violator", or other
appropriate message dictated by the court.

13(b). A database of the aforementioned registered
copyright offenders shall be maintained by the Copyright
Enforcement Agency and this list (which itself shall be
copyrighted by the CEA) shall be available to the public
for a small fee not to exceed $10,000.

14. WHEREAS Congress finds that the public will
wholeheartedly support any legislation that claims to be
"for the children", we hereby decree that a court, at its
discretion, may require copyright violators to pay a fine
that will go into a trust fund to be used to help support
the starving children of low-income artists and musicians
harmed by intellectual property theft.

----

We at Microsoft and HumoriXP hope you will give the above
bill the consideration it deserves and will agree that is
the best legislation possible for fighting the War On
Piracy.  

Oh, and if you're reading this Fritz, your check is --
wink, wink -- in the mail.

Sincerely,

Rita Rong, Official Microsoft Shill
Fred U. Daylor, Director Of Fake News


[1] http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/03/15/024217
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