[humorix] Librarians Change Stance, Support SSSCA

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Librarians Change Stance, Support SSSCA
Fred U. Daylor, Director of Fake News
March 3, 2002

A new study conducted by Buy-a-Study Labs, Inc. reveals
that a startling 72% of librarians support more restrictive
copyright laws. Dr. Thuhdata, the author of the study,
remarked, "This clearly shows an upswell of public support
for such laws as the SSSCA.  The fact that Congress has
dragged its feet in enacting this extremely reasonable bill
is proof that many Congresscritters have been bought by
special interest groups such as the GNU Project, Napster,
Red Hat, and TiVo."

Many of the librarians polled commented that the need to
archive content, one of the key arguments against the
SSSCA, is no longer a pressing issue.  "So what if we lose
the ability to archive every copyrighted work published
since 1978?" explained one librarian that lives in Sen.
Fritz Hollings' home district.  "Most of it is crap
anyway.  What will future generations think of their
ancestors if they have access to all of the bilge spewing
out of Hollywood right now? There's absolutely no reason to
archive this stuff.  Therefore, libraries will soon become
obsolete."

Another survey participant said, "One of prime motivations
for libraries over the last century is to increase literacy
and foster a love of reading and learning.  But in the 21st
Century, who cares?  What good is increasing literacy if
the only things people are going to read are '...For
Dummies' books, 'Harlequin Romance' novels, and  'You might
already be a winner!' junk mail advertisements."

One anti-SSSCA librarian did point out that all of the
wonderful books from before 1923 now in the public domain
wouldn't be available if strict copyright laws had been
enacted back then.  "We wouldn't have 'The Scarlet Letter'
and 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' and 'The Red Pony'.  School
children would go through English class without being
required to read and memorize and analyze and discuss such
masterpieces.  What a loss that would be!"

Actually, in this unbiased reporter's opinion, losing all
of those 'classics' from the public domain would represent
a huge bonus.  Why waste time studying the symbolism of The
Scarlet Letter and its relation to Greek mythological
archetypes when students can instead learn more practical
lessons, such as why illegal copying of digital music hurts
the CHILDREN of everybody in the recording industry.

In the conclusion of the study, Dr. Thuhdata writes, "It's
obvious that librarians are now facing up to reality: for
years they've been engaged in the outright theft of
countless books and other copyrighted works. They can't
ignore this moral problem for much longer."

US Sen. Fritz Hollings (D-Mickey Mouse) has proposed an
amendment to the SSSCA which would provide $250 million in
Federal grants to help retrain former librarians for other
careers that benefit instead of hurt society, such as
participating in the government's new "War On Piracy"
campaign.

"Too many of my fellow Congressmen are currently residing
in the back pockets of special interests that support
terrorism against copyrights," Hollings said to this
reporter while on his way to a fundraiser event sponsored
by Disney and AOL/Time Warner.  "My only hope is that my
colleagues will eventually come around and see the light. 
This completely unbiased and impartial study by Dr.
Thuhdata should give me the ammunition I need in this
fight."
--
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