[humorix] MS Advances "Doomsday Watch" To Seven Minutes Before Midnight

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Advances "Doomsday Watch" To Seven Minutes Before Midnight
by Rita Rong, HumoriXP's Official Microsoft Shill
March 1, 2002

REDMOND, WA -- Earlier today, the Board of Directors at
Microsoft Corporation moved the minute hand of the
'Doomsday Watch', the symbol of piracy danger, from nine to
seven minutes to midnight.  The change reflects growing
concerns that the dreaded "Piracyclysm" is close at hand, a
point in time when producing software and digital content
is no longer profitable and a point when Bill Gates can no
longer afford to live in anything larger than a double-wide
trailer.

"We should be afraid. Very afraid," said the Microsoft Vice
President of Strategery & Long Term Planning For Protecting
The Children.  "If those hippie long-haired GPL-quoting
freaks have their way, software engineers, movie directors,
TV actors, fiction authors, and countless other content
producers will no longer be able to feed their families.
Won't somebody _please_ think of the CHILDREN?"

The Doomsday Watch is a small clock powered by Windows CE
that sits on the wall across from Bill Gates' office. 
Surprisingly, the device has never once crashed and the
folks at Guiness Book of World Records are expected to list
the Doomsday Watch in the next edition of their book as the
World's Most Stable Windows Computer with an uptime
approaching an incredible five months.

Greg Bundy, a member of the Microsoft Board of Directors,
explained their rationale for advancing the watch two
closer minutes to the Piracyclysm.  "There's troubling
signs everywhere.  For instance, if this country cared
about protecting intellectual property rights, the SSSCA
bill would've become law years ago. Instead, a bunch of
weak-kneed tech companies and self-proclaimed 'consumer
advocates' are opposing this extremely moderate and
radically reasonable bill.  What next? Abolishing
copyrights?"

Mr. Bundy also pointed to the growing popularity of Linux
and Open Source software as a serious danger sign.  "What
those Communists propose is nothing short of eliminating
software and putting us back in the pre-computer age of
typewriters and slide rules.  They talk about freedom but
then advocate the elimination of the fundamental human
rights of developers to commercialize their software. 
What's the end result? Less research, less projects
developed,  less economic growth, and less taxes paid,
which will cause governments to have less money to spend on
the CHILDREN. We will only succeed in preventing the
Piracyclysm if we enact the SSSCA and ban all software
distributed under a Communistic license such as the GPL."

Another Microsoft executive painted an even darker
picture.  "Millions of teenagers are running around and
infringing copyrights," explained the Microsoft Vice
President of Media Relations & Preaching To The Choir.  
First it starts with making an illegal copy of Microsoft
Golf Cart Simulator.  Then they start installing multiple
copies of Windows from one CD.  Next they develop Communist
Open Source software.  Before long they fall into a life of
crime and go on a rampage of drug abuse, rape, and murder.
We must stop this cycle of crime.  We must fight piracy --
the number one gateway to violent crime -- to help protect
the CHILDREN."

"You can help us in this fight against the Piracyclysm.  We
cannot let society devolve into a free-for-all of stealing
and copying. If you suspect your child or neighbor's child
is engaging in piracy, please call 1-800-U-SNITCH or visit
http://www.waronpiracy.com/snitch.asp right now to help
break the cycle before they become VIOLENT THIEVES and
MURDERERS."

Eric "Stealing" Raymond and Richard "Marxist" Stallman were
both unavailable for comment at press time.  Well,
actually, we didn't try to contact them -- why would we
here at HumoriXP want to infect this fine publication with
their vile anti-Capitalism, pro-crime rhetoric?

--
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