[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next][Date Index][Thread Index]
[humorix] All Hail .Con!
All Hail .Con!
February 17, 2002
by Rita Rong,
HumoriXP's Official Software Reviewer & Microsoft Shill
William Henry Gates arrived on this planet in 1955. Whether
you love him or merely just like him, there is no denying
the contribution Bill has made to this entire Universe.
Without Microsoft, we wouldn't have personal computers. We
would still be using slide rules and typewriters. And
without Microsoft, ".Con" would be just another meaningless
acronym.
Bill Gates has already changed the face of the world as we
know it, but his magnum opus has yet to be fully
appreciated. On Wednesday, three years behind schedule,
Microsoft unveiled Bill's greater masterpiece -- in the
guise of the Visual Workshop.Con development tools suite.
Visual Workshop.Con is going to change the world -- no
doubt about it -- so it's time to suck it up and jump on
the bandwagon. Recent press releases by Microsoft say so.
And if you can't believe a press release from the world's
most successful business, what can you believe?
Most of all, .Con is a vision, a vision of a brand new
innovative programming paradigm with the elegant name of
"LOOP". That's Lawyer-Oriented Object Programming.
Let's face it: today's software sucks. Developers don't
invest as much as they could because they know some
pimply-faced 14 year old is going to pirate their creation
and sell it on eBay for two bucks. Meanwhile, users have
free reign to tinker, mangle, abuse, and totally screw up
their software, providing an unlimited stream of headaches
for developers and tech support workers.
Microsoft wants this insanity to end. Software, in Bill's
grand vision, will no longer suck. It won't be possible to
copy it illegally, thus giving the incentive to developers
to produce a program that doesn't crash every ten minutes.
And users will have only limited control over their
software, preventing them from doing stupid things and
therefore enabling developers to develop their software
instead of wasting their time providing tech support to
clueless idiots.
The .Con paradigm is extremely simple: every class, every
module, every line of code will have a "Microsoft Online
Object License Agreement" (MOOLA) attached. This is a
legal contract between the object and the outside world.
It specifies the precise conditions under which the object
can be used. Here's an example class created in
Microsoft's new C-- language:
class HelloWorld {
license_agreement:
copyright = "Copyright 2002 Microsoft Corporation";
open_source = of_course_not;
license_fee = "US$0.001 per billion CPU cycles";
all_rights_reserved = true;
disclaim_all_liability = true;
reserve_right_to_change_terms_at_will = of_course;
patent_pending = true;
system_requirements = "Windows XP or better";
self_destruct_when = { "license breached,
"user attempts to access private data elements",
"user modifies object executable file" };
instances_allowed_at_one_time = 1;
maximum_lifespan_of_class = "1 year";
online_registration_required = true;
online_registration_host = "reg126.microsoft.com";
online_violations_host = "msfbi.microsoft.com"
blame_user_for = { "logic errors", "syntax errors",
"intermittent issues" };
}
This LOOP-compliant class encapsulates a legally-binding
contract requiring the user to obey certain requirements.
For instance, the user must fork over $0.001 for every
billion CPU cycles this object executes. Moreover, the user
(and any programs the user writes) may only invoke one
instance of this class at a time.
If the user violates this MOOLA, the object is empowered to
execute a "DEL HelloWorld.*" command, but not before
reporting the violation to Microsoft via the new
BLACKLIST.Con protocol. (If the user racks up more than
three violations, all of their licenses are temporarily
revoked for 30 days.)
The Visual Workshop.Con interface will allow developers to
easily create, define, and enforce their own MOOLAs. Of
course, .Con is a cross-platform environment (it supports
Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows 2000, _and_ Windows XP) and
a cross-language paradigm (it supports Microsoft C--,
Microsoft CheapJavaKnockoff, _and_ Microsoft Visual Ada).
Now that it's finally available, Visual Workshop.Con will
usher in a new age of productivity and standardization, the
likes of which has only previously been imagined by science
fiction and horror writers. Every facet of our lives will
be embraced; we will no longer be slaves to inferior
software.
The results of .Con's deployment will be an increased level
of freedom, with the machines finally realizing their true
potential as information processors -- just as long as you
don't try to copy, mangle, manipulate, reverse-engineer,
re-compile, alter, configure, hack, crack, break-into,
modify, unbundle, or customize your software or violate the
terms of the thousands of MOOLAs you will be bound by.
As developers move to embrace .Con, the Internet will be
transformed from an anarchistic labyrinth of Communist
symphathizers and long-haired hippie freaks into an
ordered, standardized, controlled community having the
utmost respect for the rule of law and the realization that
copyrights and patents are the only things that bring about
real innovation and software quality.
.Con marks the dawn of the third age of computing --
embrace it. In doing so, you will allow Microsoft to
embrace and extend your life into a new realm of
possibilities.
---
Rita Rong is a software consultant and the author of
numerous books in the popular "...For Complete Idiots"
series. She is currently working on a "non-fiction" work
for Microsoft Press entitled "Jesus, Gutenberg, Babbage,
Ballmer, and Gates: The Five Greatest People in the History
of Mankind". When not shilling for Microsoft, Rita enjoys
playing "Monopoly" and filing lawsuits against miscreants
that quote her books without first obtaining express
written permission.
--
Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/
Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/