[humorix] Microsoft Employees Go On Strike, Demand Reduced Salaries

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Employees Go On Strike, Demand Reduced Salaries
February 2, 2002

REDMOND, WA -- Several hundred programmers walked off their
jobs at Microsoft Headquarters on Friday to protest their
shoddy public image.  "My friends all think I'm a servant
of Satan because I get my paycheck from Microsoft,"
explained Microserf Eric Eshleman.  "If I didn't make so
much money, I'd have more of a backbone to shout 'No!' when
my supervisor demands that I include some new
virus-delivery feature in Outlook."

The striking programmers demand salary cuts, less benefits,
and zero stock options[1] in addition to their own
multi-billion dollar public relations campaign.  Their
labor union, the Brotherhood Of Programmers Sick Of Being
Called Evil, hopes to get some face time with Microsoft
executives and touch base on reaching a proactive agreement
leveraging the latest innovatives in PR to produce a
synergistic worldwide buzzword-enhanced advertising
campaign that showcases Microsoft associates as enlightened
engineers instead of morally bankrupt bastards bent on
world domination[2].

"Back in the day, the Microsoft Marketing Department was
able to hoodwink millions of people into upgrading to DOS
7... er, Windows 95.  Why can't they do the same for us?"
asked Diego Rupiper, Solitaire and Freecell Project
Manager.  "I want to be able to attend a party and proudly
say 'I work for Microsoft' without worrying about being
ambushed by a posse of Linux or Mac zealots.  I want to be
able to attend a family reunion and boast about my
Microsoft employment without everybody asking for my help
troubleshooting all these weird Windows problems they keep
having... But right now I have to lie about my job.  I
can't keep living this deception forever!"

Earlier today, about 150 strikers formed a picket line near
the front entrance to Bill Gates' mansion.  They carried
signs saying "Hell no we're not going to Hell", "I want to
be able to sleep at night", "Why does the public hate us so
much?" and "I'm sick of ethical dilemmas".

Programmers weren't the only picketers in attendance.  One
anonymous accountant told us off the record, "I have
nightmares every night that Microsoft will become the next
Enron.  I've seen the numbers.  I keep telling myself
everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. 
Everything will be okay.  Everything will be okay... Maybe
if I repeat that long enough I'll forget about all those
accounting irregularities I've encountered.[3]"

A Microsoft lawyer also showed up at the protest. 
"Everybody hates me," he said.  "Even my old law school
friend who was killed in a car wreck while chasing an
ambulance gets more respect than I do.  Most people rank
'Microsoft lawyer' right up there with Hitler and Osama on
the Evilness Scale.  I can't take it any more.  Either
Microsoft is going to clean up its act or I'm becoming a
used car salesman. At least then I would have some respect
from my friends and I wouldn't have to work for a company
convicted of felonious anti-trust charges."

It's not clear how the company will respond to the strike.
Explained one industry observer who happened to be on the
scene for an interview, "If Microsoft starts paying their
employees less, then they'll have more freedom to criticize
management decisions knowing they can leave and get paid
even more at another company.  Moreover, if you strip away
the unethical, anti-competitive part of the company, what's
left?  Microsoft can't live on its software 'quality'
alone.  Finally, the Microsoft Marketing Department can
work miracles, but casting Microsoft programmers in a
positive light will be nearly impossible.  A recent poll
shows that 85% of Americans admire Microsoft for its
success and huge profits, but 82% also despise Microsoft
for its crappy products.  That's a huge barrier to
overcome."

Microsoft stock traded slightly lower during after-hours
trading. Enron stock held steady at 1e-15 cents per share,
only 1% lower than Humorix (Nasdaq: FAUX) stock.


[1] http://www.fool.com/portfolios/rulemaker/2000/rulemaker000217.htm
[2] http://www.cinepad.com/borg.htm
[3] http://www.billparish.com/msftfraudfacts.html
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