[humorix] Ask Humorix: How Do I Dispose Of This Trash?

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Ask Humorix: How Do I Dispose Of This Trash?
December 30, 2001

Zed Zealot writes, "My Aunt Bertha gave me a copy of
'Furniture Store Tycoon' for Christmas.  Unfortunately,
this game only runs on Windows and because of the sheer
bloat of DirectX 12.0, requires a 3.2 GHz Septium IV.  I
only run Linux at home and I'm not about to go to CompUSSR
and buy a $1000 computer just so I can play this lousy game
and enjoy the next-generation Windows bluescreen. So what I
am I supposed to to do with this present I can't use?"

The Humorix Oracle responds,

Aww, the joys of living as a Linux longhair.  We've all
faced this problem before. Some well-meaning but
clue-impaired relative hears that you're into computers and
so decides to drop by "Cabbages" or "Paperclips" to
purchase a computer game for your Christmas present.  The
relative is then sweet-talked by the pimply-faced sales
associate who is paid $7.50 per hour to say things like
"That game is cool!" and "My brother loves that game!"  The
relative then leaves the store with a new Windows-only game
that cost $50 but really should have been placed in the $5
bargain bin along with all the other games that barely
qualify as shareware.

Of course, it's the thought that counts.  But that will be
little comfort when you next see your relative and they ask
"Do you like your present?" You will probably experience an
urge to shout back, "How dare you give me a present
produced by the spawn of Satan!  Take back this foul
scourge of unfathomable darkness from whence it came!"  Of
course, such a response would likely give your Aunt Bertha
a heart attack, so it's much better to suck up your gut and
lie through your teeth.  "Oh, it was the best computer game
I've ever played!"  But don't praise the game too much or
else you'll find the sequel in your stocking next year.

So now your mission is to find some way to get rid of this
albatross without upsetting your relative.  Chucking it in
the bottom of the ocean is probably a first choice.  But if
every Linux geek did this, the oceans would become polluted
with "End User License Agreements" and "Register Online Or
Else!" pamphlets. (The world already has enough AOL CDs
floating around as it is). No, you will need to find a
better place to dispose of your Windows trash.

You could try returning the vile product back to the
store.  But this usually accomplishes little.  Most stores
will only allow you to exchange the product for another
one.  But since the typical Cabbages only carries boxes
with the Windows logo (read: warning label) affixed, you'll
wind up trading one worthless Windows game for another even
more worthless Windows game.  Don't even try asking "Do you
carry Linux games?" to the pimply-faced sales associate;
he'll just stare at you blankly and say, "This is a
computer store... We don't carry Lennox air conditioners. 
Try Bubba's Appliances & Shiny Things Emporium at the other
end of the mall..."

Now, you could also try reusing the components as household
objects. CDs make excellent drink coasters, manuals make
good props for crooked chairs and tables, and "End User
License Agreements" make decent bird-cage liner.  But this
is a risky option. Your Aunt Bertha might show up
unannounced one year and suddenly you'll need to invent an
explanation for why that 'SimSewer' CD is being used as a
coffee cup holder.  "Didn't I get you that back in
Christmas aught-one?" she'll ask.

It seems, then, that you have only one viable choice. Give
the darn thing to the neighborhood Windows weenie.   Every
town has one -- the guy who thinks he's the world's
greatest "power user" because he finished a course entitled
"Advanced Microsoft Office" at the local community
college.  He's the guy who worships Bill Gates, uses
nothing but Microsoft products, and constantly laughs at
those Mac idiots with their click-and-drool interfaces (of
course he's never heard of Linux).  So, it's a win-win
situation.  You get rid of the vile Windows software
without the knowledge of your relative, and the Windows
weenie will have something to occupy his time before the
community college offers the next class he wants to take,
"Intro to MS-DOS & Batch Files".

And if you can't find a deserving Bill Gates groupie, then,
well, you'll just have to burn the gift once and for all. 
Beware... most municipalities have ordinances against
burning toxic waste and Windows software almost certainly
fits into that category.

You owe the Oracle a map showing the location of a computer
store that actually carries Linux software, and I'm not
talking about one dusty copy of Red Hat 5.1 hidden in the
back corner.

--
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