[humorix] Microsoft Signs Exclusive Marketing Deal With Santa Claus

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Microsoft Signs Exclusive Marketing Deal With Santa Claus
December 23, 2001

NORTH POLE -- Have you been a good boy or girl?  If so,
then you've wasted your time.  Santa Claus, thanks to a
partnership inked with Microsoft at the last minute, will
be delivering copies of Windows XP along with XBox games
(XBox not included) to millions of children across the
world.  

Naughty children, on the other hand, will receive a lump of
coal which, according to our calculations, is 50% more
valuable than any Microsoft product.  We here at Humorix
sincerely hope that you have been naughty this year and
will therefore not receive any "gifts" from the Evil
Empire.

Last week, Microsoft secretly signed the marketing deal
with North Pole Enterprises (formerly eSanta.com during the
dotcom bubble).  In exchange for agreeing to only
distribute Microsoft software and hardware, the Redmond
monopoly would "donate" US$20.9 billion worth of products
(actual cost: $29.00)  to Santa Claus.

North Pole also made a similar deal with the Federal Bureau
of Investigation and Privacy Violations.  The FBI&PV would
allow Santa access to its Carnivore and Echelon systems to
make a list of who's been naughty or nice.  Then Santa
would be allowed to use Magic Lantern to check the list
twice.  In exchange for these services, Santa's elves must
include an FBI&PV backdoor in all software distributed to
children.

In a press release, Bill Gates annouced the Microsoft-North
Pole-FBI&PV triumverate deal and boasted, "This innovative
plan will enable millions of children to get a headstart
using Microsoft software and prepare them for living and
working in the Windows world of the 21st Century."

The beauty of the plan is that Santa Claus doesn't accept
returns. If a child with an Apple computer receives a shiny
new upgrade version of Windows XP from Santa... well,
tough.  Research conducted by Humorix shows that Windows
CDs make very poor drink coasters... although Microsoft
manuals do work adequately for lining bird cages.  

An executive for Apple was outraged over the Microsoft
gift-giving scheme. "This is just another attempt to
brainwash children into using their products.  We should
know; this patented strategy is the only thing keeping
Apple in business.  I wish we would have thought of Santa
Claus first!"

Earlier today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs attempted to negotiate
a similar deal with the Easter Bunny until he learned that
the egg-laying rabbit doesn't exist.

"Everybody knows that the Easter Bunny isn't real," Bill
Gates said during a TV interview about the Santa Claus
deal.  "Steve is such an idiot."
--
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