[humorix] Let's Sue Red Hat!

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

Let's Sue Red Hat!
Noah Morals, Official Humorix Lawyer
November 21, 2001

Microsoft has just innovated its own death warrant. 
Earlier this week, the Redmond monopoly attempted to settle
several pending lawsuits by promising to give $1 billion to
poor school districts so they can purchase shiny new
computers to run the latest version of Microsoft Windows XP
Indoctrination Edition.  

What a brilliant strategy!  If the court agrees to the
terms, then Microsoft will be punished for anti-competitive
tactics with a sentence requiring the company to engage in
even more anti-competitive tactics.  

However, this legal maneuver could easily backfire,
especially when a world-renowed lawyer such as myself steps
to the plate.  I say we pursue a similar strategy within
the Linux community... Let's sue Red Hat!

The plan is simple:

1. We round up a bunch of consumers willing to testify (in
   exchange for a small stipend, of course) that they've
   been harmed by the Red Hat hegemony.  For instance, the
   "proprietary, anti-competitive" RPM package format
   forced them into using Red Hat against their will
   because most websites carry RPMs but not Slackware
   tarballs.  (The arguments don't have to make sense, they
   just need to sound slick while containing oodles of
   technical gibberish. The sooner the judge's eyes glaze
   over, the better.)

2. We file a class-action lawsuit against Red Hat.

3. We win the case.  Now, you might think this step is
   easier said than done, but let's not forget about the
   sheer genius of yours truly.  I haven't lost a case
   yet... well, not if you don't count that charge of
   wreckless driving while chasing an ambulance ten years
   ago.  Of course, that legal defeat and the resulting
   three-week jail term provided valuable life experience. 
   So there!  I can guarantee that we will win this case.

4. We present a settlement package to the court.  If Red
   Hat provides $1 billion worth of software (actual value:
   $129.95 in blank CDs)  for schools, non-profits
   organizations, and government agencies, then we will
   drop the case.  This provides the perfect opportunity
   for Linux to spread into more and more places. 
   Government offices will be required to install Red Hat
   Linux because they must accept the lowest bid... and a
   price of zero is guaranteed to be the lowest bid.  Linux
   World Domination(tm) will continue unabated.

5. I will collect a sizable amount of scratch from legal
   fees, enabling me to buy another luxury yacht.  It's a
   win-win situation!

<font face="flyspeck-3">
If you wish to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to turn the tables on Microsoft, please contact
me at nomorals@i-want-a-website.com.  Your first
consultation is free. Void where prohibited.  This
advertisement should not be construed as to endorse
ambulance chasing, plotting world domination, or
brow-beating Microsoft employees.  Guarantee of winning
lawsuit not valid in most states.  Results may vary.  This
solicitation does not apply to citizens of those states
(AL, CT, FL, IA, IL, MN, NV, OR, WY) for which Mr. Noah
Morals' law license has been permanently revoked. Linux
rules.
</font>

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