DOJ Unveils "Three Strikes And You're Still In" Policy

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

DOJ Unveils "Three Strikes And You're Still In" Policy
November 6, 2001

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- To fight the War on Terrorism, the US
is going to need a lot more prison space to hold all of the
evil computer hackers now classified as domestic
terrorists.  As a result, Attorney General Don Bashcroft
decided last week that millions of non-violent and
only-somewhat-violent prisoners in the Federal prison
system will be released to make room for terrorists.  

After making a settlement with the DOJ, one  Mike Roe Sawff
of Redmond, Washington became the first prisoner set free
under the new policy.

Mr. Sawff, the president of a window manufacturing firm,
was convicted of arson after setting fire to the offices of
several different competitors.  The other window companies
all folded as a result, giving the Mike R. Sawff Window Co.
a virtual monopoly on the plate-glass window market.

As part of the settlement, Mr. Sawff will go free with the
condition that a committee of law-enforcement personnel
will oversee his life for the next five years.  Mr. Sawff
will no longer be permitted to commit arson against another
company (unless they threaten his intellectual property
rights) and he must undergo a training seminar entitled
"Setting Fire To Your Competition Is A No-No". If he fails
to meet these terms, the committee oversight will be
extended by two more years.  It's not entirely clear what
powers this committee will have, if any.

Don Bashcroft said at a press conference, "It's quite clear
that Mr. Mike R. Sawf is only a semi-violent offender.
Let's give him a fourth chance and make room in our prisons
for real terrorists."

When asked for examples of "real terrorists", Bashcroft
responded, "Well, just yesterday some snot-nosed pro-piracy
encryption-using juvenile-delinquent hacked into the
doj.gov website to fix a broken link that was annoying
him.  Unauthorized computer access that impacts the
operation of government is quite clearly an act of domestic
terrorism under the new 'Only Commies Don't Believe In
Patriotism Act of 2001'. The little perp should get 50
years minimum, but only if there's sufficient prison space
available."

The policy has garnered its fair share of critics. 
Explained the leader of the Open Door Movement (a rogue
group of hobbyists that build and hand out free doors as an
alternative to expensive Sawff windows), "We can't let Mr.
Sawff's crimes go unpunished!  Why did the DOJ spend
millions of dollars prosecuting the arsonist only to cave
in at the last minute? This will just encourage other
would-be arsonists such as Starr Bukxs, Ore A. Kull, Vera
Sine, Ayohell Tymewarner, Walt Disney, Nye Kee, Mac
Donnulds, Aytee N. Tee, Unee Siss, Ted Turner, and Rupert
Murdoch."

Another naysayer said nay.  "During the arson trial, Mr.
Sawff showed an obviously doctored video that attempted to
frame one of his enemies, Mr. Linn Icks, for setting the
fires. Of course if anybody else committed perjury in court
(except maybe the President), they would have been deported
to the bottom of the South Pacific by now.  Why should Mike
Roe Sawff be treated any different?"


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