[humorix] Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #16,777,216

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
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Microsoft Conspiracy Theory #16,777,216
Fake News ~ September 22, 2001

If it wasn't for Microsoft, the life of a conspiracy
theorist would be extremely dull.  The Humorix Vast
Conspiracy Research Division(tm) has uncovered yet another
Microsoft conspiracy that, as usual, makes excellent filler
material.  This time,  the Redmondistas plan to acquire the
Internet through the deployment of unscrupulous shrinkwrap
license agreements.

According to yet another spelling-inpaired unconfirmed
rumor posted to Slashdot, certain versions of Microsoft
FrontPage contain an EULA clause that prohibits using the
software to bash Microsoft or promote "racism, hatred, or
pornography".  However, our research indicates that this is
only the tip of the iceberg.

All future versions of Microsoft products will contain this
EULA 2.0. Moreover, the license agreement will only be
provided in Word 2000 format, requiring users to accept the
Word 2000 license before being able to read the Word 2000
license and any others.  Of course, these EULAs will
contains several megabytes of legalese in Flyspeck-Minus-3
font and will be completely undecipherable by all humans
(but lawyers will be able to read it).

So, Microsoft's conspiracy for world domination works like
this:

1. Quietly infect all Microsoft products with EULA 2.0 that
   prohibits pornography.

2. Wait until porn websites deploy the new Microsoft
   products.

3. Sue the heck out of the porn websites for violating the
   EULA.

4. Acquire the doomed sites.

5. Since pornography is one of the few things on the Net
   that still makes money, Microsoft will vastly increase
   its revenue stream.

6. Monopolize all pornography worldwide.  At this point,
   world domination is within Bill Gates' grasp because the
   typical man will do _anything_ to keep the naughty jpegs
   coming!

It seems pretty clear that the Humorix Vast Conspiracy
Research Division(tm) is on to something.  After all, with
all of the perverted things Microsoft has done so far,
monopolizing pornography is not that far fetched.  If you
thought Microsoft's actions were obscene before, you ain't
seen nothing yet!

We should be afraid.  Very afraid.

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