[humorix] Microsoft To Bundle Free Computers With Windows XP

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Microsoft To Bundle Free Computers With Windows XP
Fake News ~ September 2, 2001

The Humorix Vast Spy Network(tm) has obtained a leaked memo
from deep within the bowels of Microsoft, which we've code-named
the "Labor Day Document".  This .doc file contains the
not-so-top-secret pricing scheme for Windows XP that will
be unveiled to the unsuspecting public next week.

According to this memo, the price for Windows XP Home
Supplicant Edition will be higher than most new computers. 
In order to entice customers to upgrade, Microsoft plans to
bundle a free computer with each copy.

Of course, Microsoft's definition of a "computer" may not
be what you expect.  These Personal Windows Appliances
(PWA) will contain a WinModem, WinSoundCard, WinHardDrive,
WinMathCoProcessor, WinSerialPort, WinPowerSupply,
WinUSBPort, WinDIMM memory module, WinBIOS chip,
WinBatteryPoweredClock, WinHeatSink, and of course a
WinOffOnSwitch.

The PWA case -- available in six "fruity" colors -- will
include a built-in WinMonitor, WinSpeaker, and
WinMicrophone.  Naturally, the case is welded shut and any
attempt to pry it open will activate the
WinSelfDestructModule.  The machine won't contain any
floppy or CD-ROM drives because, well, why would anybody
ever need to install any software that isn't pre-installed?

The Labor Day Document states, "...any resemblance between
the Microsoft PWA and the Apple iMac is strictly
coincidental.   We will definitely want the Marketing
Department to constantly advertise that this is an original
innovation..."

The machine will include a 1.2 GHz Intel WinCPU, but
because of all of the bundled soft-hardware, the machine
will effectively run at a speed that might rival an 8086
4.77MHz system.  However, the entire "appliance" will only
cost $50 to build, a mere trifle compared to the MSRP of
Windows XP.

As an added incentive, the PWA version of XP won't contain
mandatory registration or other anti-piracy features. The
document explains, "It's physically impossible to make an
unauthorized copy of Windows XP from one of these
appliances. It doesn't have any disk drives... and nobody
will ever attempt to upload a 20 gigabyte operating system
through the machine's only Internet connection, a crippled
56K software modem."

You've probably already figured out that this computer
won't run Linux.  At all.  Everything is run from the CPU
and requires the support of Windows.  For instance, the
bundled 60 gigabyte hard drive (20 GB reserved for Windows
and the rest reserved for the swap file) doesn't contain
any hardware circuitry -- the WinCPU directly controls the
drive's heads and manually specifies when and were to write
each and every one and zero.

Even the fan and heat sink requires the direct intervention
of the CPU to work.  The CPU must execute a "SpinFan"
instruction for each and every revolution of the fan's
blades.  

Therefore, any attempt to install a non-Microsoft operating
system will cause the machine to seize up like a rock and
become a giant, oversized paper weight with large
"Microsoft" logos plastered all over it.

In the conclusion of the Labor Day Document, it says,
"Microsoft has successfully cut off the air supply of
Netscape. But with this initiative, we plan to cut off the
power supply to every computer manufacturer!"

Spokespersons for Dell, Compaq, Gateway, HP, and other
soon-to-be-bankrupt OEMs were all unavailable for comment
at press time.
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