[humorix] Federal Agents Help Society (Really!)

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Federal Agents Help Society (Really!)
Fake News ~ August 29, 2001

The FBI&PV (Federal Bureau of Investigation & Privacy
Violations) is not exactly the most popular agency in the
United States. Its tarnished reputation could quickly
change, however, with the announcement that the bureau will
start using its technology for good and not evil.  

That's right.  The Privacy Invading Scheme Formerly Known
As Carnivore And Now Known As The "It's For The Children
Protocol" (IFTCP) will be used to track and apprehend
members of one of the most vile criminals classes in the
history of the world -- spammers.

Using IFTCP, a Federal agent can locate the name, address,
social security number, current GPS location, political
affiliation, shoe size, and cola preference for a spammer
within five minutes.  

Of course, it should be noted that the Humorix Vast Spy
Network(tm) has been doing this for years.  Just today our
spies were able to isolate the postal address of the bad
guy who posted a spam message to the Humorix mailing list
-- a crime we don't take lightly.

For your convenience, the mailing address associated with
the domain name mentioned in the spam message is posted
below:

   537 Newport Center Drive #195
   Newport Beach, CA  92660

[Lawyer's Note: By posting this mailing address, we do
_NOT_ in any way endorse or condone the sending of
letter-bombs, cow dung, or 16-ton weights to this evil
spammer.  Thank you.]

Needless to say, the FBI&PV's new anti-spam crusade isn't
flying too well with unsolicited bulk email distributors. 
Argued one spammer anonymous (he sent his message via 52
different anonymizers), "There's no federal law against
spamming!  But there is a federal law against what the
FBI&PV plans to do!  It's called the DMCA."

He explained, "If a Federal agent uses Carnivore to track a
spam message and then makes a copy to keep as evidence
without our permission, that's a violation of our
copyright!  Obviously Carnivore is an anti-circumvention
device that's clearly illegal.  Why aren't FBI&PV agents
arresting other agents right now?"

The spammers' legal defense probably won't matter in the
end. President Dubya has ordered the new missile defense
system modified so that incoming enemy missiles are not
destroyed.  Instead, they are deflected towards the GPS
coordinates of a known spammer.

"It's a win-win situation," explained an FBI&PV agent.  "We
protect national security while punishing spammers at the
same time. What a deal!  And it's all made possible by the
It's For The Children Protocol."
-
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