[humorix] Lawyers Help Society (Really!)

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Lawyers Help Society (Really!)
Noah Morals, Humorix's Official Legal Counsel
August 26, 2001

I don't know why people hate lawyers so much.  Just this
last week one of my former clients said, "If I ever see you
on the street, I'm not going to brake for you!"  He
actually made good on the promise. Thankfully I jumped out
of the way in time and escaped with only minor injuries --
but injuries serious enough to file a lawsuit over.

Nevertheless, I still can't figure out why everybody wants
to kill all the lawyers.  We're not all bad.  Sometimes we
contribute to society.  For instance, a group of attorneys
has just  invented a new protocol which will eliminate 
pop-up ads, IE-only websites, and viral software from the
Internet.  And they're _not_ going to patent the idea.

So what do think about lawyers now, huh?

Two legal groups, LIARS (Lawyers Initiating Altruistic
Reforms in Society) and CONARTISTS (Congress Of Notable
Attorneys Reforming Trade, Industry & Science Throughout
Society) have teamed up to produce the MOOLA (Massive
Override Of License Agreements) Protocol.

Right now, when you (the supplicant) visit a typical
corporate website, you automatically agree to a license
agreement written in microscopic font that is buried on a
hidden sub-sub-sub-page.   These licenses, which are never
written in English, contain convoluted provisions designed
to extract every last ounce of money out of your wallet.

MOOLA is the exact opposite.  Under this scheme, the
corporation (supplicant) must accept the license agreements
written by its users.  If not, the users will take their
eyeballs and credit cards elsewhere.

A MOOLA-compliant browser sends an "X-License-Agreement"
header with each HTTP request.  The header might contain
text like:

   By responding to this HTTP request you agree to abide by
   all of the following terms and conditions. If you
   decline to accept these terms, then you must ignore this
   HTTP request.  

   TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

   (1) You hereby agree to only return valid HTML code that
   conforms to 3.2, 4.0/Transitional, and/or XHTML 1.0
   standards. Such code shall not contain proprietary
   extensions or plug-ins unless a fully functional
   alternative is made available.

   (2) You hereby agree to refrain from including pop-up,
   pop-under, or pop-in-between advertisements of any
   sort.  The HTML page that you return shall not launch
   another without user intervention.

   (3) You agree to delete all personal information
   collected as a result of this request.  You are,
   however, required to keep a permanent record of
   accepting this license agreement.

   (4) You agree to fully disclose all of the functionality
   of any software program available for downloading from
   your site.  Such software may not contain features or
   subprograms that operate without the explicit knowledge
   of the user.  Moreover, all programs shall have a simple
   uninstall procedure that completely wipes away all
   traces of the software.

   (5) You grant the user a non-exclusive right to (a)
   freely link to any page within your website, (b) publish
   excerpts of any content available within your website,
   and (c) use proxy or filtering software to alter the
   appearance of your website (i.e. to eliminate
   advertisements.)


The CONARTISTS organization issued a press release which
stated, "Now license agreements will work both ways. This
empowers users... and, of course, it also empowers lawyers
by giving them twice as many opportunites to file
lawsuits."

As you can see, these lawyer groups are fighting for the
little guy.  Attorneys are not always mouthpieces for large
corporations.  We care about everybody -- as long as
there's something in it for us.

LIARS has already contacted the Mozilla project about
supporting the MOOLA protocol.  They seemed supportive but
wanted "more time to study the protocol to make sure it's
not some kind of a scam."  

In other words, they don't trust lawyers.  That's a shame.

Nevertheless, you can still take advantage of the MOOLA
protocol right now.  Simply configure your browser to
include an "X-License-Agreement" header and you're all
set.  

It's a win-win situation.  If the courts uphold such
"header-wrap" licenses, then netizens will have a tool to
beat corporations over the head with.  If such licenses are
deemed unenforceable, that means  shrinkwrap and clickwrap
licenses are also invalid -- another victory for netizens. 
Please hold your applause and compliments until later.

So, the next time you feel a sudden urge to punch a lawyer
in the face, please calm down.  We've done something for
you lately.

-
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