[humorix] Crashback: Truth, Stranger, Fiction

[James Baughn <jbaughn@ldd.net>]

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Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@nl.linux.org...
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Crashback: Truth, Stranger, Fiction
August 24, 2001

It's time yet again to get on our hands and knees and beg
for forgiveness.  While we have established strict rules
and guidelines to prevent our fake news stories from
becoming true, our efforts have proven unsuccessful.  

We would like to apologize for the confusion between our
_real_ fake news articles and our _fake_ fake news
articles.


* Won't somebody please think of the adults?

In May, we "reported" that Bill Gates was in desperate need
for money to ride out the dotcom recession and fight the
Department of Justice[1]. Earlier, in June 2000, we ran a 
story on a group of clueless geeks trying to raise money to
"save" Microsoft[2].

Okay, we admit it.  We messed up.  These stories have
become true. Michael Moore has spearheaded a mission to
raise charitable contributions for Microsoft[3].  The
objective of the program is:

    To help Bill Gates recoup the massive amount of money
    he loses whenever small charities make copies of his
    already-purchased, outdated software while trying to
    assist desperately poor children.

We here at Humorix feel this cause deserves our
whole-hearted support. The staff of Humorix has pledged a
grand total of US$1e-26 towards this worthy charity.


* Carnivore develops a taste for wireless messaging

We've received  word that everybody's favorite
privacy-invading scheme (no, we're talking about Carnivore,
not Microsoft Passport) may now have the capability to scan
wireless text messages sent via cellphones[4].  

Regular readers of Humorix -- all four of you -- should
have seen this coming.  Earlier this year we  "reported"
that Carnivore had been upgraded to scan wireless messages
sent via the "Carrier Pigeon Internet Protocol"[5].

Sorry about that.


* Do-It-Yourself ISP

Robert X. Cringely published an article today that provides
instructions on building your own DSL line while bypassing
exorbitant telco fees[6].

We've been way ahead of you, Bob.  In 1998, we "reported"
on building a do-it-yourself network with 
two-cans-and-a-string while bypassing the telco
completely[7].

As far as we can tell, two-cans-and-a-string technology has
not found its way on to the radar screen of the FBI.  Let's
just hope they don't start scanning Dinty Moore networks
with Carnivore.


* We still have some journalistic integrity

You might be thinking to yourself, "Self, this Humorix site
is full of false advertising! They keep claiming their
articles are 'fake news' when in reality they are reality!"

Don't panic.  The vast majority of Humorix articles will
forever remain fake news.  Don't let a few bad apples spoil
everything.

For instance:

- The story "Rob Malda Buys Mir Space Station"[8] is
  definitely untrue.  Since Mir has been destroyed, we
  don't expect that Taco Boy will ever own it... well,
  unless he decides to go scuba diving in the Pacific and
  start collecting the wreckage. (But since Taco Boy has
  never been spotted more than 1.2 feet away from a
  computer indoors, that simply isn't going to happen.)

- We can be quite certain that the article "On Topic Usenet
  Newsgroup"[9] is false.  The concept of an "on topic
  newsgroup" is such an oxymoron that it boggles the mind
  that such a ludicrous thing could ever become reality.

- Finally, the story "Did Al Gore Pass The Turing Test? The
  Results Are Still Coming In..."[10] is definitely false. 
  Al Gore is _not_ a form of artificial intelligence. Why? 
  Robots don't go on eating binges and start gaining weight
  after losing a competition.


* References

[1] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/may01/donations.shtml
[2] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/jun00/save-microsoft.shtml
[3] http://www.michaelmoore.com/missions/gates1/index.html
[4] http://www.politechbot.com/p-02427.html
[5] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/may01/carnivore.shtml
[6] http://www.pbs.org/cringely/pulpit/pulpit20010823.html
[7] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/oct98/port-cans.shtml
[8] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/apr00/taco-mir.shtml
[9] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/mar00/on-topic.shtml
[10] http://i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/articles/nov00/turing-test.shtml
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